Colder...

The weather was wonderful today.  I wish I had spent more time outside.  I applied for a job as a cake decorator trainee or baker trainee at Publix.  Hopefully I will get one of those jobs, preferably the cake decorator! I would get paid to make art on cakes! Just finished a week on my new meds.  I don't feel any different.  

Christmas was really nice with my family.  The kids were happy and my Mom seemed content.  I received some books to write in.  They are lovely. 

What....

Do what you will...

For I will not stop you

Be an evil that kills...

And I will not stop you

Be unrighteous and still...

I will not stop you

Rip out my heart and spill...

I cannot stop you.

Please...don't...

I think I'll die if he does.

This...

I miss him.  I am a failure. I'm on meds because I can't be normal.  I'm at home because I couldn't take care of myself.  I'm sad because I make myself sad.  I am pathetic because I can't stand up and do something about what's happening to me.  They keep telling me I'm sick and I'll get better.  I'm sorry.  But this is me...and your meds don't work.

I dreampt...

Then I lived.  Both ending at a point.  I never made it to the place.  The spot.  The hope.  I never seem to make it even when all odds are with me.  I can't seem to make it anywhere.  I don't have goals because I know I'll never reach them.  I want to keep caring but the feeling is getting old.  I don't know what it means to be content.  I lost him.  I lost her.  I lost me.

Please tell me...

What do you do when you're not ready to grow up?

What...

What did they mean when they said it would get better?  What get better? I get better? My life get better? Some how magically everything is all better?

Why do I do this to myself...