5 Years...

How has it been five years.... what...

I am in a different decade of birthdays. I can't remember what I talked about last but I'll have to go back and look.  My life is different but not in the way I'd hope for.  

I don't know how to even talk about all of it.  I live in an apartment now.  I moved in December to a new city.  Not to far really though.  Would have like to move further I think but I really was just following the work.  An unfortunate thing really.  My apartment is really nice though. I have a cat that I may have written about as I have had him for five years now.  He just turned 10.  I got a dog last year.  She is a handful but very cute.  I think I was jobless last time I posted which I'm about to hit a year at this job I have now.  I don't like it anymore though and am working on finding something else.  I need something artistic in my life so maybe something with that.  I actually work in my field which is weird.  Lot of fun things to it but company I work for is a mess and unethical.  

I visited New York City finally with Mom in October.  I was really sick for it but it was intense for me.  She finally took me and I think that made her so happy.  It was a surreal experience.

I got really sick last year too mentally and was hospitalized again for 5 and half days.  Started new meds but they had really bad side effects so I am on nothing now but as needed stuff.  That is something that I am realizing I am never going to really be able to deal with perfectly.  I just am this way.  

New Years I decided I need to try therapy again.  There are a lot of things about myself that I do from past trauma and what not that I don't want to do and I need to deal with.  It's weird being so sick of yourself and how you act.  I want to change that.  

I found out last year too that I have some chronic health issues.  I am working with doctors to try and control the damage they have done to me in the last 10 years but I haven't made a lot of progress.  I have to keep trying I guess. 

I think that's the general issue I have.  I need to actually do the things that I say I am going to.  And with some consistency.

Anyway, there's a tiny insight into the last year.  Something really bad happened too but I don't want to type it.

Goodnight, for now.

     

Hasn't Been Too Long...

I GOT A JOB. AND THEN LEFT THAT JOB.

ANXIETY IS SO AMAZING.

Anyway...yea. So I'm on the prowl again for something different.  I feel so very stuck.  I'm on meds though now! I don't know if they are doing anything but I feel sort of numb a lot.  I had that sensation before though so I don't think anythings happening yet.  I started decorating my room all Halloween-like and I thought I would be more excited but I don't feel anything (there's that numbness again).  It's not bad it's just odd. I don't particularly like it but I don't feel too strongly about it either?  Idk.  I have another appointment coming up soon.  I can't imagine myself working full time the way that I am.  It's so tiring just existing.

A month or two...

Oof.  I let it be months again.  I honestly just forget. I don't even know what to write.  I'm at my friend's Mom's house watching their dogs and just finished watching Moonstruck.  I have a list of films that I'm trying to watch some of and that was one of them.  It was silly.  I miss the old style of filming where you can see a lot of the sets and it feels very organic.  So it's not like you are watching a movie, but just kind of peaking into someone's life for a bit.  It makes it almost seem more real.  I think it's the way the camera is positioned maybe.  I'm not sure though, but it's really interesting.  I was at a wedding last weekend and it was really fun.  I did start to dissociate though and act odd.  I could feel it happening but I couldn't stop it. A really old friend happened to be there too which was so strange.  It felt like my past was coming to physically say hello.  I couldn't stop thinking about that feeling for days.  I think I need therapy again.  Not therapy for things that have happened before, but therapy for things in the present and possible future.  I am having trouble existing.  I don't understand it and it feels...like nothing.  Like I'm emotionless almost.  I start to not feel strongly about anything so I don't want to do anything.  It's not quite numb but just blah-ish.  And then when I come out of it for a few seconds or minutes or some amount of time, I am really mad at myself for wasting my own time.  I feel like I'm aging too quickly and I can't remember things sometimes.  

I'm scared.

This April Fool...

Holy Chestnut! It has been awhile.  Ummm, it's 2019!  Manfriend got me a cat for my birthday! He is all white and loves to snuggle.  Frank started treatment for his Cancer that he developed.  We started a garden that is much bigger than our last one.  Lots of varieties of plants and a big herb section.  I'm also keeping a garden journal to write down everything we do.  It helps us remember when we plant and fertilize and when things start to pop up.  I'm  still looking for work.  I almost had something great but they already hired someone.  I started writing in a journal (in real life) again and it's great.  Rethinking the day makes them seem better some how.  I think it's almost like you have to stop and think about moments within the day, which I think is important.  I saw DURAN DURAN in concert in Miami in February which was crazy.  Oh, Manfriend and I at some point built and painted a bed for him.  We also built a cat box which stores all the kitties items and litter box and has my T.V. on top now.  I have the first x-box set up on it and have been having fun multiplayer battles with the kids on Halo.  We were on this super cleaning thing where we both cleaned out our rooms and donated lots of stuff.  We just organized the bathroom today and did the fridge maybe yesterday or the day before.  I unfortunately around December, messed up my knee and it has been difficult to walk.  I don't have insurance right now so I can't get them checked out.  I am very worried about them healing wrong.  I'm pretty sure I tore something in my left knee.  It's kinda been a daily struggle to move around without at least some pain.  I'm scared this will be permanent.  

I have to remember I have this.  Writing in my journal is like a substitute for this and it's more private, but I've had this for so long that it makes me sad thinking to stop writing here. 

Anyway, I hope it doesn't take me months again to write in this.      

There was a chill in the air

Mix-Match Paragraphs, Give A Dog A Scone....

I've been on here a few times and started typing and then just exitted the screen.   I have to keep typing or at least writing in a journal like a use to.  Diary? Why is diary feel embarrassing compared to like journaling? I don't know but it's kinda funny.  I have a lot to do in the next 3 weeks. A fifteen page paper is due, regular school work, I'm losing insurance so I need to sign up for something new, possible doctor appointments, and also deal with well...being me which is annoying.  Less of me would be nice.  

One really cool thing I've been doing lately that makes me really really happy is I've been playing the game Rocksmith on Bass guitar with Manfriend who plays his regular electric guitar.  It's like guitar hero except with the real notes and you play along to the tabs.  I am getting really good at a few songs and the overall feel of playing bass.  I taught myself how to play in middle school but it has been so long. I can slowly feel myself getting better at finding the notes on the strings without looking down and I love it and feels good to play music again.  I don't know the actual notes yet but playing has been so much fun.  I feel proud when I play the songs better and that feeling overall is just weird for me to experience.

We went to the beach twice last week and it was glorious.  I haven't actually gone to the beach properly in awhile and I missed it so much.  Ocean water heals me.  Mind body soul.  My skin gets ultra soft, my eyes turn super bright, my hair looks like a goddess, my heart feels more at peace, and my brain feels ...I don't know...interesting in the best way possible.  I feel like I am just supposed to live there but something happened at birth where I can't breathe underwater and I constantly have to revisit the sea to recharge and regain health.  I might actually get to go tomorrow if I get some work done.  I actually worry about moving too far away from the ocean and nice beaches which I am lucky to live so close to.  I don't think I've ever lived further than 30 or 40 minutes away from the sea.

Is lilac wine real? I love that song so much.  Anyway................................

Get It...

I've been feeling really eh.  It comes and goes so quickly though it honestly is impossible to stay up to date.  I can feel really great about something and then tragically sad about it and want to stay in bed all day in mere seconds.  I kind of hate it.  I'm not reliable.  If I was reliable, and in my working mode that I sometimes get into, I can get so much done in a morning what usually takes me a week(s).  How do people just get stuck in that super mode.  I need to do that.  I need to do that so much.  At least more than I can now.  I need to be better.