To the throat...

So I've been working on getting costume things ready for Halloween.  I should have posted during the process of making parts of my costume but I didn't think of it until just now.  This year I am going as Little-Me from Coraline.  I am making a yarn wig, I made some button glasses, and I made a dragonfly clip.  I have everything else like her raincoat, stockings, shirt and skirt and some brown makeup somewhere, so I just have to re-glue the clip and finish sewing the wig together.  So far the wig looks really great and I'm actually pretty proud of it.  Today my siblings and I went out for breakfast and then searching for Halloween costume ideas.  They had really picked most everything out, they just needed to try on things for sizing purposes.  I already had planned on purchasing most everything online because everything that we were looking at was a good 10 or more dollars less than in the store.  I hope everything comes together.  Ever since some things happened a few years ago, family events have been so awkward and sometimes really painful for me.   Things are not the same and it hurts for a number for reasons.  I guess I hate change...well, most change.  I've been pretty excited during this month because of all the decorating and making things for Halloween, but lately, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  The way I feel my depression coming on sometimes is like a never ending wave and I'm drowning in it.  With each lap, more and more water fills my body until it hits my throat and I'm gasping for the last bit of air.  It keeps lapping at the throat area and I feel my body becoming less and less mine and more and more part of something sad and deep and endless.  I don't know how to stop it.  I can never stop it.   I feel this a lot right now.  It makes me want to end my own life.   It is unbearable.