Hasn't Been Too Long...

I GOT A JOB. AND THEN LEFT THAT JOB.

ANXIETY IS SO AMAZING.

Anyway...yea. So I'm on the prowl again for something different.  I feel so very stuck.  I'm on meds though now! I don't know if they are doing anything but I feel sort of numb a lot.  I had that sensation before though so I don't think anythings happening yet.  I started decorating my room all Halloween-like and I thought I would be more excited but I don't feel anything (there's that numbness again).  It's not bad it's just odd. I don't particularly like it but I don't feel too strongly about it either?  Idk.  I have another appointment coming up soon.  I can't imagine myself working full time the way that I am.  It's so tiring just existing.

A month or two...

Oof.  I let it be months again.  I honestly just forget. I don't even know what to write.  I'm at my friend's Mom's house watching their dogs and just finished watching Moonstruck.  I have a list of films that I'm trying to watch some of and that was one of them.  It was silly.  I miss the old style of filming where you can see a lot of the sets and it feels very organic.  So it's not like you are watching a movie, but just kind of peaking into someone's life for a bit.  It makes it almost seem more real.  I think it's the way the camera is positioned maybe.  I'm not sure though, but it's really interesting.  I was at a wedding last weekend and it was really fun.  I did start to dissociate though and act odd.  I could feel it happening but I couldn't stop it. A really old friend happened to be there too which was so strange.  It felt like my past was coming to physically say hello.  I couldn't stop thinking about that feeling for days.  I think I need therapy again.  Not therapy for things that have happened before, but therapy for things in the present and possible future.  I am having trouble existing.  I don't understand it and it feels...like nothing.  Like I'm emotionless almost.  I start to not feel strongly about anything so I don't want to do anything.  It's not quite numb but just blah-ish.  And then when I come out of it for a few seconds or minutes or some amount of time, I am really mad at myself for wasting my own time.  I feel like I'm aging too quickly and I can't remember things sometimes.  

I'm scared.

This April Fool...

Holy Chestnut! It has been awhile.  Ummm, it's 2019!  Manfriend got me a cat for my birthday! He is all white and loves to snuggle.  Frank started treatment for his Cancer that he developed.  We started a garden that is much bigger than our last one.  Lots of varieties of plants and a big herb section.  I'm also keeping a garden journal to write down everything we do.  It helps us remember when we plant and fertilize and when things start to pop up.  I'm  still looking for work.  I almost had something great but they already hired someone.  I started writing in a journal (in real life) again and it's great.  Rethinking the day makes them seem better some how.  I think it's almost like you have to stop and think about moments within the day, which I think is important.  I saw DURAN DURAN in concert in Miami in February which was crazy.  Oh, Manfriend and I at some point built and painted a bed for him.  We also built a cat box which stores all the kitties items and litter box and has my T.V. on top now.  I have the first x-box set up on it and have been having fun multiplayer battles with the kids on Halo.  We were on this super cleaning thing where we both cleaned out our rooms and donated lots of stuff.  We just organized the bathroom today and did the fridge maybe yesterday or the day before.  I unfortunately around December, messed up my knee and it has been difficult to walk.  I don't have insurance right now so I can't get them checked out.  I am very worried about them healing wrong.  I'm pretty sure I tore something in my left knee.  It's kinda been a daily struggle to move around without at least some pain.  I'm scared this will be permanent.  

I have to remember I have this.  Writing in my journal is like a substitute for this and it's more private, but I've had this for so long that it makes me sad thinking to stop writing here. 

Anyway, I hope it doesn't take me months again to write in this.