A month or two...

Oof.  I let it be months again.  I honestly just forget. I don't even know what to write.  I'm at my friend's Mom's house watching their dogs and just finished watching Moonstruck.  I have a list of films that I'm trying to watch some of and that was one of them.  It was silly.  I miss the old style of filming where you can see a lot of the sets and it feels very organic.  So it's not like you are watching a movie, but just kind of peaking into someone's life for a bit.  It makes it almost seem more real.  I think it's the way the camera is positioned maybe.  I'm not sure though, but it's really interesting.  I was at a wedding last weekend and it was really fun.  I did start to dissociate though and act odd.  I could feel it happening but I couldn't stop it. A really old friend happened to be there too which was so strange.  It felt like my past was coming to physically say hello.  I couldn't stop thinking about that feeling for days.  I think I need therapy again.  Not therapy for things that have happened before, but therapy for things in the present and possible future.  I am having trouble existing.  I don't understand it and it feels...like nothing.  Like I'm emotionless almost.  I start to not feel strongly about anything so I don't want to do anything.  It's not quite numb but just blah-ish.  And then when I come out of it for a few seconds or minutes or some amount of time, I am really mad at myself for wasting my own time.  I feel like I'm aging too quickly and I can't remember things sometimes.  

I'm scared.