Christmas 2012

It's Christmas! Kids had a lot of great presents and heading to my Gram's later for lunch/dinner.

I don't know why I feel sad, but I do.  I don't want to. I want to be really happy today.  Christmas is my favorite holiday, but a very thick blanket of sadness is over me. I am solemn and quiet.  I keep faking this smile.  I am happy for everyone but I want to be in this moment with them.  I don't want to watch it happen.  I really want to be here. 

What is wrong with me?

I did a lot of Christmas shopping online and in the stores.  Still don't have everything I need but certainly getting there.  I've spent more than I've spent in a long time.  I keep wanting to get more for everyone but I have to budget myself.  I mean I did, just as soon as I started actually purchasing things I kept finding more things that I thought would be perfect for the person.  It's getting tough.  I  like buying stuff for people to show my love because I don't know how to express myself.

I just got into a misunderstood argument with my Mom. All of them are pretty much us misunderstanding each other. Blegh.

I need sleep.

So I went to the Humane Society with Manfriend today.

Cloudy is really with someone else now.

I hate myself and the inevitable sense of my life.

I've been on a movie watching Frenzy.

Rules of Attraction was pretty darn good.
I wonder how I would deal with college if it was like that.
The main character was great.

More movies soon.
Morrowind for now!!!!!!!!

I have random bouts of crying because I think of Cloudy.

I hate them for taking her.

The local animal shelter has my cat…
but someone adopted her and they won’t tell me who.
So the lady said she would ask her supervisor if she would call the people and tell them.
I want her back. Now.

I have a feeling the supervisor is not going to.

I have a feeling I have lost her forever.

Everyone keeps saying at least she's alive.

I keep saying, she was supposed to be with me.  She was supposed to be with me for all her days.


No control over anything.

Sometimes I like to plan future events.

For instance, I have a masquerade party that  I've dreamed of having forever.  I also have this party in Paris that I planned.  Mostly it was part of a day dream that I had.  I have a dissociative thing that I do and I can really part myself from the world.  I use to do it all the time in high school.  Not so much now because I don't get as much time to, but I remember I'd do it a lot.  It was a real day dream.

I'm all over the place today.

Sandy told me I should make signs to try to help find Cloudy.  I think I will.

Today I saw my Dad's friend's home.  It's a tiny room with a tiny kitchen and a door to a bedroom.  There was another very similar to it.  I feel like I'd like to have my own little home like that.

I've been writing this message for hours.  Watched a really sad movie in between.  I'm completely a wreck and in tears.

Is it strange that I think I'd be much more intriguing and attractive if I had an English accent?
I'm going to move away to somewhere different and change my accent and try it out.  I think I'm quite good at an English one in particular so I think I shall stick to it.

I think Cloudy ran away for real...to die that is...

She was really sick and I hadn't had the time to take her to the doctor....

I feel so bad and I hate myself more everyday.

She is 14. She is old and perfect and cranky but perfect and silly and I want her back. 

... she's gone.

Yes

Before All

Today was emotionally draining.
Old family videos.
Crying again and again.

I should never ever reminisce and feel nostalgia.

It makes everything in me want to die.


I kinda decided today that I want to die before everyone in my family.
Before my grandparents and Mom and Dad. 

I don't think I could live without them.  It hurts so much without my uncle.

So yes.  Death before all.

I just read something beautiful that someone else wrote that I need to post here.

What it means to be a Mentally Ill College Student

I am a college student at a top university. I also struggle with mood, anxiety, and dissociative disorders. This list reflects (some of) my experiences. It is what I want to send to my professor who is being stingy with extensions and far from understanding. But I can’t. Feel free to reblog, share, heck - even email out to your teachers. If you do, please let me know how that goes. And of course, please add your own if you have more to add.
I am a mentally ill college student:
It means that no matter how much sleep you manage to get, you can never guarantee being awake enough or focused enough for work.
It means not knowing if the same coffee drink will do nothing, work as it is supposed to, or make you anxious and jittery for hours.
It means checking every syllabus for the lateness and attendance policies not because you are lazy but because you have to prepare for the worst.
It means that pulling an all nighter can ruin your ability to think, sleep, and function for days to weeks and having to make that choice anyway.
It means feeling like your excuses aren’t valid because they are all in your head, and it means getting that fear validated over and over.
It means that when anything goes slightly wrong, everybody doubts if you deserve to be there, if you should be where you are, if you should get this kind of education, if you are “well” enough to engage with the rest of society.
It means fearing for your freedom, your financial, familial, and social support, and your health care in ways you probably can’t imagine.
It means that the counseling center looks at you funny and somewhat frightened when you ask for help because they are trained for “run of the mill” college problems and you are out of their league.
It means not being able to stay up when you need to and not being able to sleep even when you can. It means working not only when there’s time in your schedule, but when that happens to match up with when your brain is able to. It means not being master of your own time management.
It means not being able to explain this to any professor because they won’t look at you the same, hold your opinions in the same light, even if they do take you seriously.
It means that when I mean to take an hour long nap or a 20 minute break, I can’t be sure that those times will stay that way.
It means spending some evenings you know you should be working, even wanting to be working, convincing yourself to move, or that you are actually there, or just quieting your brain. It means using distractions as necessity.
It doesn’t mean just being overwhelmed every once in a while. It doesn’t mean I fooled around and spent too much time slacking off or partying. It doesn’t mean I just had a sucky week. It doesn’t mean I am letting my social problems interfere with my academics.
It means I have to keep things in mind constantly that you never have to think about. It means I have to make choices that you’ll never have to make, it means that when I am down to the wire, it is because I am pushing my self to my limit just to be there.
Because it doesn’t mean, not even remotely, that I am not devoted, that I’m not interested, that I’m not in love with learning. That I don’t want to impress you, to get my work done on time, to do a great job. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve this. I doesn’t mean I should be locked away. It doesn’t mean I should have to pay for extra semesters of schooling out of pocket that no one will give me scholarship or tuition benefit for.

It means you should, probably, work with me, give me the time I need. Realize that your assessments should be based on my understanding, not my time management. It means you should try to understand.