Stuffs...

Just wanted to check in.  Almost been a week since my Birthday.  I've been thinking a lot about doctor visits and how much medicine could benefit my life if I could finally find something that works.  I've been told directly by my therapist that cognitive behavioral therapy doesn't seem to work on me.  It has been quite a long time of trying it out.  She keeps suggesting I try medicine again because of possible chemical imbalances and such.  I really need to fix myself so I can be active and feel stable. I need to email these people.

On a higher note, Manfriend took me after my Chemistry test to Barnes and Noble to just hang out.  I can't believe we have never just looked at books next to each other in a book store.  Besides the whole sick thing I've been having with bouts of nausea, it was so lovely.  I'd like to do it again soon and get some coffee drink or something to sip on with the enjoyment of reading and browsing and just being next to each other.  I miss reading for pleasure very much and just in general looking at different kinds of books.  I'm usually busy with writing papers or reading text books so I don't have the time to read other things.  Also, I am one of those people that once I get into a book, I don't want to do anything else but read it until it is done.  DEVOURED.  And that is bad when you have to study and do homework.

My teacher and I just had a little email chat back and forth and he is letting me have 2 extra days for the writing assignment.  I told him I needed a copy of the prompt because I could not find mine and then he forgot to send it.  I think he feels bad because the paper is due tomorrow but still...I lost it...he didn't have to do that.  I am super grateful but now I feel like my paper has to be Godly and I don't think I am capable of doing so.  Weh.

OHHH. Manfriend got me an Electric Ukulele for my Birthday! It is amazing and needs a name.  I can't wait to get really good on it.  I have to practice.  My Daddy got me a pretty card and my Mom and the kids got me a silly mustache card and a cute hat and gloves set that look like they could be from the 20's with a modern twist. 

In other news, I've been looking for possible internships because all my impossible ones for film internships are...well...impossible.  I've decided I'd like to work maybe at a sanctuary for animals if I can't get anything for film.  I also found out I will have to go to my college for another year if I want my Honors degree and credits.  I need to ask for an Official Audit to be done to really see where I am but I feel as though I will have well over 120 credits if I take another full year plus what I have to accomplish over the summer.

I have been going to bed every night really late and then waking up early in a very sickly state.  I HAVE TO GET THIS GETTING TO BED THING DOWN. 

Goodnight :)

23...

Today is my Birthday and I am late night posting before the day ends.

The day didn't go as planned as all of my days never do.  The car had a flat tire so I was at Wallace Mart getting it fixed most of the day.  It made me really sad.  Not sure how I feel about the entirety of the day but I'm trying to feel happy.  It's really hard to do it though.  I wonder if everyone is good at it or it just isn't as hard for them or they are just better at it.  I don't know.  I'm really trying to keep it together.  I don't want the day to end.  I want to hold onto this day and snapshot memories in my brain.  Just gotta get the right meds.  I have to call this guy to get the right meds.  I have to get better.  This has to happen.

Happy Birthday Carina.

Newness...

So far this semester has been pretty interesting in odd ways.  People have actually talk to me....so strange.  I really am hoping to do well this semester.  Anyhoo... I just wanted to make a tiny update.  I am ready for bed!

Love is so much worse...

I should really sleep. I'm exceptionally tired but I really wanted to write something.

Today was rough. I have classes that I hate. 5 classes that I hate.  One in particular I don't know if I'm going to be able to emotionally handle.  I'm actually scared to go back.  It's weird that we have to share personal items in this class.  It makes sense because we are writing CV's for grad school but I don't like everyone knowing my grades. It makes me feel weird.  Or even life events.  They are not for students.  I even had panicky moments as a child when we had to switch papers to grade so I would just keep mine and pretend I switched it.  So I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.  I wonder if I can file under disability for not doing certain things.  I doubt it but I do have a crippling social anxiety that  is getting worse.  

Anyhoo.  I had a long conversation at my grandma's and I cried a lot and felt really bad afterward and my grandpa called me after that and talked to me and it was heart breaking and I hate life so much.  

Love is going to kill me.