I'm the worst...

I have just one more paper left that I am currently avoiding and an Africa map quiz.  THEN I will be done with this last Fall semester of undergrad.  From there I will not have a vacation except for maybe a day or two, but only reading and writing all of my forty page thesis paper.  At least I really like the subject.  I am writing about Animal Assisted Therapy.  I kinda wish though I was allowed to write about people assisting animals too. BECAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA OF A MUTUAL BOND OF HELPNESS.  And I like the idea of people helping out animals.  Actually, this is my paper and I am going to some how incorporate that into it.  It's happening.  Unless my advisor is stupid like she normally is and tells me I can't.  I just really need more articles.  I can't even start the introduction because I can't find enough information about the beginning of Animal Assisted therapy in a peer reviewed paper.  Also I've run into some stipulations with paperwork and I feel like I'm going to die with red tape all over me or much like Robert De Niro in Brazil.  I really don't want to be free of school, but I can't wait to graduate from the honors college.  They are ridiculous.

So the idea of moving out has come across my brain a lot lately.  I have lots of pros of moving out and lots of cons.  Probably more cons.  And this is referring to going somewhere for school because I can't actually afford to move out to my own apartment or house.  But if I moved out I wouldn't have to deal with driving so much and my parents wouldn't have to deal with my horribleness and they wouldn't have to pay for me directly.  Also, I want a therapy dog or cat or animal and I can't have that here.  The cons though are so important though that it doesn't seem worth it.  Last time I moved out I gave up on life and had to move back home and wasted a lot of money.  I really don't want to do that again.  I wish I could move out and live down the street or something like that.  Or even across the street.  I know it sounds stupid but that might work for me.  I love living at home and having my parents right there.  As much as I am a terrible daughter, I like to think I am 5 and they care about me the same as they use too.

I just want it to be like it was when I was little.  I think I would give things ups for that.  Give it all up.    :'(

Murphy's Law...

We saw INTERSTELLAR...

There is just too much to describe about it.  My mind always buzzes with movie things after I see each one.
The feeling is just... I don't know...I just don't know.
What I do know is that  I want to make movies more than anything.

I want so badly for someone to teach me how in some kind of internship.  I need technical help and help with organization and just how everything works in the film industry.  I'm so scared of people...scared of what will happen....

scared of running out of time...

The pains...

I am constantly wishing my brain would stop hurting me.

ONE YEAR UNTIL WE SEE MARTY MCFLY AND DOC BROWN

Music is what feelings sound like.

Stupid...

I missed National Coming Out Day.
I don't know if that matters yet.  I don't want to go to school.  I like learning but school makes me sad...I don't know why or I do and I'm being lazy.  It feels like I'm doing a lot of work to get just an Honors Bachelors Degree and not coming out with a job or more opportunities.  I think it's the fact that I have to write this dang thesis.  It's too much.  I feel like it's not going to matter.  I've seen better students than me not get into any of the schools they wanted to.  So how the heck am I suppose to?  It seems like you get more out of life by just being a really sociable and extroverted than actually knowing anything.

Life is stupid.

I don't know...

I don't know why things have to change...like I know that responsibilities are expected to be with held as you age, but I can't figure out the dynamics of couples and their relationships and what is expected or in general in this American life, what is expected.  Like why can't you sleep over peoples houses after your marry someone?  Why can't you go out and do things without telling them?  Why can't you just be who you were before them?  And this really just goes beyond marital status.  Just things in general change so much into this really illogical trapped version of what we were before.  Do we all have to turn into the same thing?  The same copy after copy?  What if I don't want to marry anybody...but then all my friends will be and I can't hang out with them.  What if I want two husbands or a wife? or a wife and a husband?  What if we just share mutual awesome respect? Again though...relationships are just part of this insanity. I don't know....I really hate this.  I just want things to be different.  Always different.  I don't know why I am never satisfied with really anything.  Where did this come from?  Why should I expect anything?  I mean really...if being molested isn't enough...why is expecting things to get better what I think may happen?  This stupid hope?  I don't understand.  I don't understand anything.  The more I learn about life, the less I feel like I know.  I don't know if I want to be part of this anymore.