GUSH...

I just read the kids some of my old stories I had started and some poems I had done and they really enjoyed them and wanted to hear more.  It made me feel really good about things I had done in the past and about the potential to do better and continue the stories and writing.  They made me feel a good kind of nostalgia when I read them, which is so incredibly rare for me.  Nostalgia, in general, is my enemy, but not in these moments.  It felt so good to read them again.  Even the not so great written ones.  The stories felt solid though.  I was kinda proud at first and then felt so much more when the kids expressed they liked them.  They really made  my night.

THEY ARE THE BEST.

Excuses, really...

I found out last night that I didn’t get into grad school (I only applied to one place.  I didn’t even think I was going to have the money to apply).  I am bummed out even though I assumed this was going to happen.
My application was completed on time but not early and my last recommendation waited 2 months to send it in.  My grades were above cut off, I am in a honors program which means they count for more anyway, I’m ethnic, and I’m low income. What’s not to like?  Anyway…I’m making excuses that may have nothing to do with it because I feel blegh.  I wanted a masters degree but I guess I’m going to be doing something else for the next year. I am continuing school mostly just because I love learning, but it doesn’t have as much to do with my dream job anymore.  Psychology is fascinating and I will continue school hopefully next year, but I still dream about making movies everyday.  I even thought for the first time recently that it would be fun to do tv shows.  Music videos!  I just am not sure how I am going to get there.

I have to call the new psychiatrist.
Getting better is the first step…
I just wish I already was.

I wish I could write with someone sometimes, but I'm really protective of my ideas.  This isn't because I think people will steal from me, but I constantly feel like everyone's ideas are better than mine, and if I start collaborating, I will feel out beat.  Always.  It's a stupid self conscious thing that I hate.  I could probably make something so much better with a second writer, but I will just feel like it was completely their idea and I won't want to be part of it anymore.

I really need to just get on meds.  I am blah. 

Always so blah.

I DID IT...

I graduated from college yesterday.

 4/30/15

I am an alumni.

IT SOUNDS SO STRANGE.

It hasn't hit me yet though.  The actual feeling of graduating.  I don't know why it hasn't hit me.  It needs to hit me so I can be really inspired and happy and feel good and feel accomplished.  I don't like when my body doesn't want emotion...I know I say I don't, but then that leaves out the happiness in things too.  

I actually don't know what all my final grades or grade point average is.  Hopefully I had enough A's this semester that it bumped it up a final time to cum laude.  I took 16 credits this semester.  I know for thesis it was incomplete before, but I think since I've turned it in now (YES I FINALLY TURNED IN MY THESIS PAPER, OMG IT WAS CRAZY, WITH HAVING THE WRONG PAPER, AND MANFRIEND MAKING A BOX OUT OF THINGS AT WALMART AND DRIVING AROUND) my advisor will hopefully change the grade from before and I can get a 3.5.  I just don't know how all those credits factor in because 16 is a lot to account for.  I will be very close nonetheless.  

So for the next few weeks or so, I am going to just try and enjoy my summer.  I have a couple things planned but haven't made a summer to do list yet.  I do plan pet sitting for money though because it just seems fun and then I'll have money to buy some running shoes and for gas to go see my friend in South Carolina.  It says on the website how much these people are willing to pay for people to watch their pets but I just don't know if it's correct.  It's such a long period of time, like 3 days, and they want to pay you that much for every hour.  It just can't be right.  If it is, then YESSSSSSSSS.

Anyway, I just hope to have lots of fun for the rest of my life with happiness.  

I may be asking for too much....

OH WELL. 

GIVE IT TO ME, LIFE.  

12-13-14

I'm the worst...

I have just one more paper left that I am currently avoiding and an Africa map quiz.  THEN I will be done with this last Fall semester of undergrad.  From there I will not have a vacation except for maybe a day or two, but only reading and writing all of my forty page thesis paper.  At least I really like the subject.  I am writing about Animal Assisted Therapy.  I kinda wish though I was allowed to write about people assisting animals too. BECAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA OF A MUTUAL BOND OF HELPNESS.  And I like the idea of people helping out animals.  Actually, this is my paper and I am going to some how incorporate that into it.  It's happening.  Unless my advisor is stupid like she normally is and tells me I can't.  I just really need more articles.  I can't even start the introduction because I can't find enough information about the beginning of Animal Assisted therapy in a peer reviewed paper.  Also I've run into some stipulations with paperwork and I feel like I'm going to die with red tape all over me or much like Robert De Niro in Brazil.  I really don't want to be free of school, but I can't wait to graduate from the honors college.  They are ridiculous.

So the idea of moving out has come across my brain a lot lately.  I have lots of pros of moving out and lots of cons.  Probably more cons.  And this is referring to going somewhere for school because I can't actually afford to move out to my own apartment or house.  But if I moved out I wouldn't have to deal with driving so much and my parents wouldn't have to deal with my horribleness and they wouldn't have to pay for me directly.  Also, I want a therapy dog or cat or animal and I can't have that here.  The cons though are so important though that it doesn't seem worth it.  Last time I moved out I gave up on life and had to move back home and wasted a lot of money.  I really don't want to do that again.  I wish I could move out and live down the street or something like that.  Or even across the street.  I know it sounds stupid but that might work for me.  I love living at home and having my parents right there.  As much as I am a terrible daughter, I like to think I am 5 and they care about me the same as they use too.

I just want it to be like it was when I was little.  I think I would give things ups for that.  Give it all up.    :'(

Murphy's Law...

We saw INTERSTELLAR...

There is just too much to describe about it.  My mind always buzzes with movie things after I see each one.
The feeling is just... I don't know...I just don't know.
What I do know is that  I want to make movies more than anything.

I want so badly for someone to teach me how in some kind of internship.  I need technical help and help with organization and just how everything works in the film industry.  I'm so scared of people...scared of what will happen....

scared of running out of time...

The pains...

I am constantly wishing my brain would stop hurting me.