Twice is Nice...

 It's still August and I'm posting again!

So I am going to a school orientation thing tomorrow to see if I want to start this program.  It will be so weird going back to school but learning is fun and it will be closer to what I always wanted to do anyway.  The school is also giving me a scholarship so it will be essentially free!

Finally watched the Fallout show and it made me want to restart Fallout 4 and finish.  I also just generally have been getting back into playing more video games which is nice. I also finally watched Baby Reindeer months after the hype of it. Still applying for work although I have not been doing it as vigorously as I should be.  

It's almost Autumn!  I wasn't quite ready for summer to be over not that I am a huge fan of it but thinking about colder weather, cozy days, and the general vibe of fall has me excited.  We also broke out our Halloween decorum so the house is looking spooky.

Still working on my UX certificate but I had a bit of hitch and I need to catch up.  Last week I went with Cowboy on a business trip, i.e. I just hung about the hotel but I did end up seeing a movie the last day and exploring a dead mall.  It was so eerie and fun and I took some pictures.  I want to get a good camera again but I just can't spend the funds on that now. ughghghg responsibilitiessss.  

I started going to the gym in our development and that's been nice.  I've had a lot of health issues get much worse in the last few years and I think working out will really help.  Some of my issues are chronic and not curable but I can do a lot I think to help make them less defining in my life.  Also, feeling better about the way I look will help a lot with motivation.

I am kind of thinking about trying out for a play....maybe just thinking...

Months Ahead...

 Hi there,

So I was let go from said job last month (twenty-four of us).  This included half of my department.  I already was looking for work elsewhere, so this kinda just made it happen more naturally.  I am currently looking for work outside my field so it has been difficult to switch careers.  Although I love psychology, I just don't think it is great to work in, in the capacity that I have.  Psychology really does apply to everything, but when you have a specialty in it, the work is just... I don't know.

Anyway, I am also working on getting a certificate in User Experience which has been different.  It feels sometimes more creative and I like that.  Even though my masters is in Science, I have always been an artsy girl. I am also considering going back to school but I'm not sure.  I love not working but running out of money is scary.  Being home a lot too is not great for me as I become a full blown hermit and stop talking to everyone and not go outside.  So I am figuring out how to not do that too much.  One of the main reasons it has sucked to lose my job is literally just the insurance.  I had doctors appointments setup and I had to cancel everything even though they were for my chronic health issues.

ANYWAYYY MISSS NEGATIVAAAA,

I made a Letterboxd account awhile ago and it made me remember when I use to do little film blurbs on here.  I wonder if I should do it on there.  I also logged on to my tumblr for the first time in awhile and it's still so fun and I love it.

I need to read again.  

Goodnight, babies<3

5 Years...

How has it been five years.... what...

I am in a different decade of birthdays. I can't remember what I talked about last but I'll have to go back and look.  My life is different but not in the way I'd hope for.  

I don't know how to even talk about all of it.  I live in an apartment now.  I moved in December to a new city.  Not to far really though.  Would have like to move further I think but I really was just following the work.  An unfortunate thing really.  My apartment is really nice though. I have a cat that I may have written about as I have had him for five years now.  He just turned 10.  I got a dog last year.  She is a handful but very cute.  I think I was jobless last time I posted which I'm about to hit a year at this job I have now.  I don't like it anymore though and am working on finding something else.  I need something artistic in my life so maybe something with that.  I actually work in my field which is weird.  Lot of fun things to it but company I work for is a mess and unethical.  

I visited New York City finally with Mom in October.  I was really sick for it but it was intense for me.  She finally took me and I think that made her so happy.  It was a surreal experience.

I got really sick last year too mentally and was hospitalized again for 5 and half days.  Started new meds but they had really bad side effects so I am on nothing now but as needed stuff.  That is something that I am realizing I am never going to really be able to deal with perfectly.  I just am this way.  

New Years I decided I need to try therapy again.  There are a lot of things about myself that I do from past trauma and what not that I don't want to do and I need to deal with.  It's weird being so sick of yourself and how you act.  I want to change that.  

I found out last year too that I have some chronic health issues.  I am working with doctors to try and control the damage they have done to me in the last 10 years but I haven't made a lot of progress.  I have to keep trying I guess. 

I think that's the general issue I have.  I need to actually do the things that I say I am going to.  And with some consistency.

Anyway, there's a tiny insight into the last year.  Something really bad happened too but I don't want to type it.

Goodnight, for now.

     

Hasn't Been Too Long...

I GOT A JOB. AND THEN LEFT THAT JOB.

ANXIETY IS SO AMAZING.

Anyway...yea. So I'm on the prowl again for something different.  I feel so very stuck.  I'm on meds though now! I don't know if they are doing anything but I feel sort of numb a lot.  I had that sensation before though so I don't think anythings happening yet.  I started decorating my room all Halloween-like and I thought I would be more excited but I don't feel anything (there's that numbness again).  It's not bad it's just odd. I don't particularly like it but I don't feel too strongly about it either?  Idk.  I have another appointment coming up soon.  I can't imagine myself working full time the way that I am.  It's so tiring just existing.

A month or two...

Oof.  I let it be months again.  I honestly just forget. I don't even know what to write.  I'm at my friend's Mom's house watching their dogs and just finished watching Moonstruck.  I have a list of films that I'm trying to watch some of and that was one of them.  It was silly.  I miss the old style of filming where you can see a lot of the sets and it feels very organic.  So it's not like you are watching a movie, but just kind of peaking into someone's life for a bit.  It makes it almost seem more real.  I think it's the way the camera is positioned maybe.  I'm not sure though, but it's really interesting.  I was at a wedding last weekend and it was really fun.  I did start to dissociate though and act odd.  I could feel it happening but I couldn't stop it. A really old friend happened to be there too which was so strange.  It felt like my past was coming to physically say hello.  I couldn't stop thinking about that feeling for days.  I think I need therapy again.  Not therapy for things that have happened before, but therapy for things in the present and possible future.  I am having trouble existing.  I don't understand it and it feels...like nothing.  Like I'm emotionless almost.  I start to not feel strongly about anything so I don't want to do anything.  It's not quite numb but just blah-ish.  And then when I come out of it for a few seconds or minutes or some amount of time, I am really mad at myself for wasting my own time.  I feel like I'm aging too quickly and I can't remember things sometimes.  

I'm scared.

This April Fool...

Holy Chestnut! It has been awhile.  Ummm, it's 2019!  Manfriend got me a cat for my birthday! He is all white and loves to snuggle.  Frank started treatment for his Cancer that he developed.  We started a garden that is much bigger than our last one.  Lots of varieties of plants and a big herb section.  I'm also keeping a garden journal to write down everything we do.  It helps us remember when we plant and fertilize and when things start to pop up.  I'm  still looking for work.  I almost had something great but they already hired someone.  I started writing in a journal (in real life) again and it's great.  Rethinking the day makes them seem better some how.  I think it's almost like you have to stop and think about moments within the day, which I think is important.  I saw DURAN DURAN in concert in Miami in February which was crazy.  Oh, Manfriend and I at some point built and painted a bed for him.  We also built a cat box which stores all the kitties items and litter box and has my T.V. on top now.  I have the first x-box set up on it and have been having fun multiplayer battles with the kids on Halo.  We were on this super cleaning thing where we both cleaned out our rooms and donated lots of stuff.  We just organized the bathroom today and did the fridge maybe yesterday or the day before.  I unfortunately around December, messed up my knee and it has been difficult to walk.  I don't have insurance right now so I can't get them checked out.  I am very worried about them healing wrong.  I'm pretty sure I tore something in my left knee.  It's kinda been a daily struggle to move around without at least some pain.  I'm scared this will be permanent.  

I have to remember I have this.  Writing in my journal is like a substitute for this and it's more private, but I've had this for so long that it makes me sad thinking to stop writing here. 

Anyway, I hope it doesn't take me months again to write in this.      

There was a chill in the air