FINALLY done with the semester.
I hate my school and classes and everyone there.
SO happy to be done.

School makes me cry.

I need to vent really quick.
My older brother is an asshole to the highest and widest degree.
He is mean and selfish and no...just fucking no.
But he is mean in that weird way where he decides randomly to be selfish and mean but  acts normal and you can get along with him.  Backstabber.
Everyone in my family thinks he is amazing though because he is so smart and just got a wonderful job and supports himself.
I don't care how smart you are if you are a mean person.
I don't care how good you are at math and science and random ass shit if you are a bad fucking person.
It shouldn't matter. It should not fucking matter.

I know I am jealous of how easy life is for him.... and I can admit school is harder for me....but I don't feel like I would betray my family the way he does...and if I did, I would not hear the end of it. I would not be forgiven. I know this because my brother has done really mean things and everyone just forgets...me other the hand does not receive the same treatment.  We both have had mental break downs.  He received love and understanding.  I was told I would get better with meds and didn't discuss much more about it.  I didn't get better. I will never get better because I am sick in the head.
I don't understand it though. Why can't they treat me like him?

The only solace I have is he does not live with us anymore.

I'm sorry...I just needed to write this somewhere.

Floods...

So...since the flood of 2012 happened, we've been staying at my gram's house a lot.  I love eating together at night though.  It has been fun.  My brother and I are pretending we live in a post apocalyptic world.  

I think Cloudy is sick.  I need to make more money for a vets visit.

I rung the bell at my Orthodontist's office which means I should be getting my braces off in January.  I will be kinda sad to part with them.  I always wanted braces when I was younger and now I've had them for over two and half years.  Why am I sad? Ugh.
 I'm weird.

 I hope my teeth look purty.  I love smiles and I want to have one that I love and use often.

I haven't been doing well with my workouts.  Especially since the flood.  I get home too late and I'd have to do it whilst at my gram's or I wouldn't be able to get a shower in.  They also just sold the treadmill which made me super sad....

I did try to plan though to do cardio for at least 30 minutes Saturday, Sunday and Monday, and Friday if I have time which I usually don't.  This would leave it so I would have at least 3 days in.  School days are rough to get anything in because I'm at school for around 9 hours which is pretty tiring.  I think after the beginning of December, I will be done with school until January so I should have a lot more time to work out and get it in everyday.  
I kinda have this goal that I want to lose over ten lbs by the time I get my braces off so I feel thinner and better and such with awesomish teeth.  I'm also sick of hating my body.  I want to be able to run far again and do active things without dying and fit into all my clothes again.  I have a really pretty blue dress that won't fit properly until I lose around 15 lbs.

I also really want to improve and save my grade for this semester.  School is rough for me.  It seems so much harder in my brain than on paper.  I don't know why I complicate things.  I really want All A's!


OHHHH YES. I signed up for watercolor painting next semester....SO EXCITED. I'm trying to fit in a film class too but I don't know if the scheduling will work out.

BOOP.

I flooded two rooms in my house last night.

I am beyond being terrible at life.

A longgg time...

I haven't written a post in so longggggggggggggg I'm sorry I've been neglecting you blogspot. It mostly was because my computer has been out of order, but now it is back! I had a fun Halloween. I wore my skeleton costume again because of lack of funds but this time I painted my face and wore battle boots. I went with the kids and Manfriend. He was a magical warrior of some sort that is from a book series that he reads. He looked wonderful. The kids were dressed up as Jesse from Toy Story and a skeleton 80s looking thug guy. hehe.

We got lotsa candiessssss. So yummy.


Goodness A lot has happened since my last post.

I go to a new college now.  I moved back home because I became overwhelmingly mentally sick.  And then we moved to a new house that is a few blocks from my other house.  I miss my room.  I am behind a year because of it and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for it.  I still go to therapy, my septum is pierced.  Goodness it has been for over a year now.  I should post a pic. It's cute.  I'm going to get my lingual frenulum pierced as soon as I get my braces off because for now there is just too much metal in my mouth.  I don't talk to many people still.  I might be considered a hermit.  I miss some of my friends but I think they are just being all lively in such in their lives so I'm just here being sad. weh for me.

I am not sure about how I feel about my new school. I am incredibly shy. Still. blegh. It is really really hard to talk to people and relate to them.  I don't know why I am this way.  I think I am overly sensitive and I'm a bit quiet and strange when I do talk.  I can tell how weird it is sometimes to people.  I kinda hate school because of my shy and awkwardness and it feels impossible to ask for help.  I graffiti (draw pictures) in one of the stalls in the girls bathroom.  There are 10 pictures in total I think on different tiles.  It is sort of my place of solace.  I should take a picture of it when the wall is filled. Hopefully none of the janitors will scrub it away.  

I'm still super confused about my sexuality but have no one to talk to about it.  I constantly want to do other things besides homework and anything to do with school because it makes me so depressed.  I love learning but I hate my experiences in college.  

I still want to be involved in the movie industry more than anything else.  

The doctors still haven't found the right meds for me so I've stopped going for awhile to cool off the overload of pills to my brain.  

I wish I was different everyday.