I was so angry today. And I'm super upset and overwhelmed right now.

Watching Elephant really threw me over.

Now I'm anxious about the unpredictability of people and how stress and sadness kills us.

And how much I love my younger siblings and how I never ever want them to be hurt or sad.

And how much I regret being this yelling angry person when I really am just trying to win back my self confidence but I come off as spiteful and mad.

I need to be patient and understanding.  I have to stop being so damn angry.

Sandy said when the cortisol activates in me the way it does because of my anxious behavior, it can cause harm to my heart....

I have to stop.


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I'm crying....

Write

I made a bit of progress on a script story I've been in talks about for awhile.

Figured out some potential dialogue for the end and some scenes.  I also figured out a time period and some logistics but def. still trying to work them out.

I wrote a list of movie ideas that I've been wanting to do.  Just writing them down and being able to see them on paper helped tremendously. 

Really hoping I can pull something solid together.  Even just the outline would be amazing.  Then I can finally start writing more than intros.

Stress leads to teeth clenching

I watched the Oscars instead of studying for my Psych test....

I'm so stressed out right now and I do it to  myself.

I want to make movies so badly and I have a camera now and I still can't do it.

There must be something in me that is holding me back.  I know I am terrified of not being able to really do it....because that would mean I don't want to do anything else.  I literally don't want to do any other job except be in the film industry and make movies and present them and make people all emotional and feel what I feel through this media.

What if I can't do it?  Like I literally go make a movie and it sucks?  

I think.... I would die.  Like really die.  Or kill myself.

I have to start doing this though.  I'm 22. I have to do this. I have to be in movie theaters every where soon and be doing this.  I have to.

I am balling because of a movie... It clicks so perfectly with my life it is scary. My chest burns my eyes are red. I don't know what is happening. 

David Bowie is also stuck in my head....so here you go.

Lotsa Jotsa

I'm going fishing tomorrowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
YAY!

Valentine's Day is coming up! 

I've been really into a minimalistic look lately.
White and black and transparency.
I need to take a picture of my paint brushes I bought today.  They are clear and oh so pretty.

I also am deciding whether to stretch my ears to a 12g.  I want to mainly for these awesome earrings.

OHHH tax return comes in soon and I kinda want to use it toward Roller Derby.  I want to be on a team and skate and compete and get fit while doing so.  They are just so awesome.

I also started running again! I pretty much go every other day or when I can.

An old friend's Mom came into work today.  It made me remember when I had friends and I got really emotional and had to go tear up in the bathroom.  I don't know what made me leave everyone.  Was it purely me and my crazyness? I remember being upset with everyone changing but I can't recall what completely pulled me apart.  I remember also thinking people started to feel so fake.  They would just do or say things to please others and I hated it.  They couldn't be honest with themselves and stand up or say what they really wanted to and I think I thought that showed a sign of weakness or something.  They probably were just not comfortable with themselves yet.  I feel like most people are very fake but maybe it is a way to protect themselves...I'm not sure.  

I just know I feel so very lonely about all this.

I am a living breathing cliche right now...

Let me explain why.
I just finished watching the new Spider-Man whilst wearing Star Wars pajamas and then walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put on my retainer and then continued to talk to my brother about super heroes which included references to Civil War, Secret Wars, the New Avengers and some DC stuff but not limited to, and what reading material I needed to catch up on which included the stack of Iron Man comics in his room.
AND I HAVE THE RETAINER LISP.

I need to learn how to study again. I was so wonderful in my first years of college at it, and now I am a mess like I was in high school. I'm super antsy and I just plain don't want to do it even though it's not that bad. I have a test in the morning... and it's my Papi's birthday :)