This April Fool...

Holy Chestnut! It has been awhile.  Ummm, it's 2019!  Manfriend got me a cat for my birthday! He is all white and loves to snuggle.  Frank started treatment for his Cancer that he developed.  We started a garden that is much bigger than our last one.  Lots of varieties of plants and a big herb section.  I'm also keeping a garden journal to write down everything we do.  It helps us remember when we plant and fertilize and when things start to pop up.  I'm  still looking for work.  I almost had something great but they already hired someone.  I started writing in a journal (in real life) again and it's great.  Rethinking the day makes them seem better some how.  I think it's almost like you have to stop and think about moments within the day, which I think is important.  I saw DURAN DURAN in concert in Miami in February which was crazy.  Oh, Manfriend and I at some point built and painted a bed for him.  We also built a cat box which stores all the kitties items and litter box and has my T.V. on top now.  I have the first x-box set up on it and have been having fun multiplayer battles with the kids on Halo.  We were on this super cleaning thing where we both cleaned out our rooms and donated lots of stuff.  We just organized the bathroom today and did the fridge maybe yesterday or the day before.  I unfortunately around December, messed up my knee and it has been difficult to walk.  I don't have insurance right now so I can't get them checked out.  I am very worried about them healing wrong.  I'm pretty sure I tore something in my left knee.  It's kinda been a daily struggle to move around without at least some pain.  I'm scared this will be permanent.  

I have to remember I have this.  Writing in my journal is like a substitute for this and it's more private, but I've had this for so long that it makes me sad thinking to stop writing here. 

Anyway, I hope it doesn't take me months again to write in this.      

There was a chill in the air

Mix-Match Paragraphs, Give A Dog A Scone....

I've been on here a few times and started typing and then just exitted the screen.   I have to keep typing or at least writing in a journal like a use to.  Diary? Why is diary feel embarrassing compared to like journaling? I don't know but it's kinda funny.  I have a lot to do in the next 3 weeks. A fifteen page paper is due, regular school work, I'm losing insurance so I need to sign up for something new, possible doctor appointments, and also deal with well...being me which is annoying.  Less of me would be nice.  

One really cool thing I've been doing lately that makes me really really happy is I've been playing the game Rocksmith on Bass guitar with Manfriend who plays his regular electric guitar.  It's like guitar hero except with the real notes and you play along to the tabs.  I am getting really good at a few songs and the overall feel of playing bass.  I taught myself how to play in middle school but it has been so long. I can slowly feel myself getting better at finding the notes on the strings without looking down and I love it and feels good to play music again.  I don't know the actual notes yet but playing has been so much fun.  I feel proud when I play the songs better and that feeling overall is just weird for me to experience.

We went to the beach twice last week and it was glorious.  I haven't actually gone to the beach properly in awhile and I missed it so much.  Ocean water heals me.  Mind body soul.  My skin gets ultra soft, my eyes turn super bright, my hair looks like a goddess, my heart feels more at peace, and my brain feels ...I don't know...interesting in the best way possible.  I feel like I am just supposed to live there but something happened at birth where I can't breathe underwater and I constantly have to revisit the sea to recharge and regain health.  I might actually get to go tomorrow if I get some work done.  I actually worry about moving too far away from the ocean and nice beaches which I am lucky to live so close to.  I don't think I've ever lived further than 30 or 40 minutes away from the sea.

Is lilac wine real? I love that song so much.  Anyway................................

Get It...

I've been feeling really eh.  It comes and goes so quickly though it honestly is impossible to stay up to date.  I can feel really great about something and then tragically sad about it and want to stay in bed all day in mere seconds.  I kind of hate it.  I'm not reliable.  If I was reliable, and in my working mode that I sometimes get into, I can get so much done in a morning what usually takes me a week(s).  How do people just get stuck in that super mode.  I need to do that.  I need to do that so much.  At least more than I can now.  I need to be better.  

Here or There...

Soooo I filmed something random yesterday and ended up deleting it all but it was so nice to just film something at all.  It's really hard to film yourself when you don't have a camera that has a flip screen or separate screen though.  I ended up thinking up (from a little inspiration) a short movie that wouldn't require much at all if I keep it simple and not try to complicate it which I tend to do with everything.  I ordered a steadicam yesterday that was pretty cheap considering how much they can cost. I need 5 people for the film.  Four of the parts are pretty minimal but the main character is in all of it.   I don't want to film myself or be in it or really any of my movies right now until I feel more comfortable with myself, but I don't really have anyone else that can be in it as much as I can.  So that is what is making me nervous about the whole project and that I am much better at getting the angles I want if I am not the one in the scene.  I am also trying to figure out some lighting details.  I am mainly going to use natural light as I do with photography but for certain inside shots, I need some type of warm light.  I have a lamp I can use that looks nice even in photos, but for some bathroom scenes, the light in there is not quite what I need.  I'm pretty excited nonetheless.  Even if this is an abomination, it will have been fun to make.

*Snaps Fingers

I turned 27 last month and then a week or two after that I was mistaken for being in Elementary school.  Just a fun fact.

To the throat...

So I've been working on getting costume things ready for Halloween.  I should have posted during the process of making parts of my costume but I didn't think of it until just now.  This year I am going as Little-Me from Coraline.  I am making a yarn wig, I made some button glasses, and I made a dragonfly clip.  I have everything else like her raincoat, stockings, shirt and skirt and some brown makeup somewhere, so I just have to re-glue the clip and finish sewing the wig together.  So far the wig looks really great and I'm actually pretty proud of it.  Today my siblings and I went out for breakfast and then searching for Halloween costume ideas.  They had really picked most everything out, they just needed to try on things for sizing purposes.  I already had planned on purchasing most everything online because everything that we were looking at was a good 10 or more dollars less than in the store.  I hope everything comes together.  Ever since some things happened a few years ago, family events have been so awkward and sometimes really painful for me.   Things are not the same and it hurts for a number for reasons.  I guess I hate change...well, most change.  I've been pretty excited during this month because of all the decorating and making things for Halloween, but lately, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  The way I feel my depression coming on sometimes is like a never ending wave and I'm drowning in it.  With each lap, more and more water fills my body until it hits my throat and I'm gasping for the last bit of air.  It keeps lapping at the throat area and I feel my body becoming less and less mine and more and more part of something sad and deep and endless.  I don't know how to stop it.  I can never stop it.   I feel this a lot right now.  It makes me want to end my own life.   It is unbearable.