Just keep watching...

You'll be a professional.

I'm sorry for this in advance...

I love feeling so young at the age I am.
I like my freedom to go out late at night and everything and do what I'd like, but I love feeling like a kid more.  I watch Disney movies on a daily basis and quite well versed. I wish more people that were older would keep watching them.  I think they would treat people better and know more about life if they would really just listen to what those movie say.  I sleep in a bunk bed.  I talk to kids half my age everyday. And even though I go to work, it reminds me of school, gossip and all.  I know I'm never quite happy and I cry often and have panic attacks....but I really love living at home.  I love being with my family.  They are the best people I have ever met.  I love that I see my Mom everyday.  I'm so happy I came home for college.  I really wish I could finish my Masters degree here because I don't want to move down south for college.  Tonight is the first night though that I realized I don't think I'd mind living at home for long after graduating.  It's not common in the states but in other countries and partly where my family is from, it's quite common.  I like my freedom which I don't have so much here, but I love being part of my family.  I wish we would never grow up.  I hate thinking about the fact that in a few years my brother will have moved out and I will have to if I want to start and finish up with graduate school.  It won't feel the same if he moves out.  I love the dynamic that it is now.  My older brother I don't really much get along with so I'm fine that he moved out but the siblings that are home now I really love to be around and I want them to stay around.  I have such a huge problem with change.  I'm crying now writing about this because I know it is inevitable.  I'm worried I'm going to get worse and worse as time goes by.  I don't want to just get use to it changing.  I worry sometimes that there will be a point that I decide to kill myself.  I've been so close to going over the edge....I don't want to now but I can't say I won't in the future.  It would make so much sense for my story.  I've been depressed since maybe 11 or 12.  I'm not sure when the transition period started but it has always just gotten worse and worse.  I can't stop crying. Ugh.  I wish I would stop freaking out and be normal so people wouldn't leave and be able to handle me.  I have a feeling the relationships/or whatever they were  have ended because of my insecurities, anxieties and depression.  I feel crazy and I think they have trouble understanding what to do with it.  I'm sorry.  I just needed to ramble and cry.  My head hurts a lot.  I need sleep.

Please...

I'm trying to stay balanced.  

It's so hard to not fall off this cliff.

Pointless...

I have many doc appointments to set up before school especially one with my dentist.  I don't know what is going on with my lower and upper molar but they are kinda uncomfortable.

I am worried.

Stupid teeth.

I don't want to start school again. 

And thinkin' got me drinkin'...

Pretty much my most favorite compliment I have ever received and never forgotten was someone told me they imagined me to the likeness of Marion Ravenwood from the Indiana Jones series.

Which means: A beautiful badass, witty, adventurer who is hardy and independent.

I wanted to cry.

Also she gets Indiana Jones....

Which is always a plus.

 When I remember, I think about this compliment and it makes me feel a bit better about myself which is a rarity.

Thank you person who said this to me.

You can't imagine what it has done for me.

 

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Hold my hand...

I've been playing lots of video games lately.  They make me ever so happy.
Bioshock Infinite being one them.  I found a really neat video compilation that I will post here of the game.  DO NOT WATCH IF YOU PLAN TO PLAY THE GAME. It contains spoilers of all sorts.  
I couldn't watch this video more than once.  I get really emotional with pretty much everything and especially good movies and great video games.  Oh, Mr. Booker DeWitt....

I also recently went to one of my best friend's baby shower.  It was nice but really sad.  I just want us to hang out again without adult responsibilities in the way.  I still feel very much like a kid.  I don't know why everyone else is changing the way they are.  They act different.  You don't need to change for other people.  And saying.." Oh I'm just growing up"  is a bad excuse.  That is not what growing up is.  You can accept your responsibilities and live your life, but you don't have to change who you are or not enjoy things you did before.  Sorry for ranting.  I didn't exactly say what I'm trying to say but I don't know how to put it into words.

I finally today got my files to convert over so I can edit movies from my new camera my Mom bought me :)
I am so excited.  I already edited together a silly video of my brother wearing his Batman Mask.  I wish I could post it.

I missed spinning this week because I overslept....le cry.

I kinda want to drop out of the honors college and get my minors in film with my psych degree.
Too bad I'm broke.