To the throat...

So I've been working on getting costume things ready for Halloween.  I should have posted during the process of making parts of my costume but I didn't think of it until just now.  This year I am going as Little-Me from Coraline.  I am making a yarn wig, I made some button glasses, and I made a dragonfly clip.  I have everything else like her raincoat, stockings, shirt and skirt and some brown makeup somewhere, so I just have to re-glue the clip and finish sewing the wig together.  So far the wig looks really great and I'm actually pretty proud of it.  Today my siblings and I went out for breakfast and then searching for Halloween costume ideas.  They had really picked most everything out, they just needed to try on things for sizing purposes.  I already had planned on purchasing most everything online because everything that we were looking at was a good 10 or more dollars less than in the store.  I hope everything comes together.  Ever since some things happened a few years ago, family events have been so awkward and sometimes really painful for me.   Things are not the same and it hurts for a number for reasons.  I guess I hate change...well, most change.  I've been pretty excited during this month because of all the decorating and making things for Halloween, but lately, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  The way I feel my depression coming on sometimes is like a never ending wave and I'm drowning in it.  With each lap, more and more water fills my body until it hits my throat and I'm gasping for the last bit of air.  It keeps lapping at the throat area and I feel my body becoming less and less mine and more and more part of something sad and deep and endless.  I don't know how to stop it.  I can never stop it.   I feel this a lot right now.  It makes me want to end my own life.   It is unbearable.

Get it done...

So I'm stalling finishing my final because I don't know why I'm in school.  I want a Masters but like...what am I planing on doing with it? So when I've been really less enthusiastic about school in general.  It's better than working the jobs that I can get right now (or not get right now) but it sure doesn't pay you.  Hopefully it's worth it.  

IN MORE EXCITING NEWS....I'll be in New Orleans tomorrow!!!  I'm having anxiety about traveling but I'm also really excited.  I've wanted to visit Louisiana for a long time now.  We are going to some historic places which I'm excited about and perhaps an aquarium and obviously going to be eating some amazing food.  We are hashing out some more details tonight and figuring out some things on the long drive tomorrow.  I still have to pack but I'm "trying" to will myself to finishing this final so I can edit and turn it in and be done with it.  I think I will feel even more excited and relieved once I finish it.  It's like a thorn in my side right now.  What's also annoying about it is even if I get like a 100 on it which I know I'm not going to, I don't think I can raise my grade anymore.  I just have to make sure I don't drop it either.  I just want it to be over.  I didn't get a break from Spring to Summer semester for whatever reason.  We usually get at least a week and I literally started classes the next week after my final.  So I've got to pack, empty out my memory cards and charge my camera, make sure I have everything, and take care of my animals and such, and then we are off!

Whinerrr....

So I filled out some things for a potential job today.  I'm pretty terrified of the requirements but I really need a job.  I don't plan on taking it if the pay is much less than what I make teaching but the hours are suppose to be 12 hr shifts which potentially means I'd only be working 3 days a week.  I like that because I'd rather be there for most of 3 days and than not have to come to work for 4 days.  I have been having so much trouble getting a job for more than just the fact that the job market is kinda terrible right now.  The amount of anxiety that builds up when even looking for work is immense.  I keep thinking about all the things I can't do and all the things I can't say.  I think about how I had an anxiety attack that lasted like 30 minutes when I started my internship and how I will probably have another one and end up just losing my job.  I don't know how to explain to people my mental issues without sounding like I'm trying to make excuses for not doing things.  And then brain starts telling me, Sorry mate, you are making excuses and you're a mess, and then I cry and fall asleep.  It's a weird circle of blah.

So I've been playing a lot of video games lately and watching Parks and Rec and those things make me happy.  But I just start feeling like a lazy butt and I get upset about that and apparently I can't do anything without feeling guilty about it.  It goes as far as feeling bad for sleeping.  I am not on medicine that I am suppose to be on right now besides a nose spray thing because I have chronic nasal issues that I will probably need surgery for some day, I need to get on finding a new psychiatrist.  I have a new primary which is a good step and she seems really good at what she does.  Next week, or some time soon, I'm going in for a kidney scan to make sure everything is good (because apparently I might be missing one) and then I'm suppose to get a physical I think two weeks from now.  I'm trying to get better.  I have a lot of ailments and it's annoying and tiring and I just want to feel better.

I feel like I'm always whining....ehh I'm terrible.

When Nostalgia kicks you in the...

I am in the middle of buying some games during the summer sale on Steam and I just started thinking about old 90's PC games my Mom use to buy us when we were younger and I'm all emotional now and upset.  Here are two that were probably the first computer games I ever played.

Rodney's Fun Screen

( I always thought it was Rodney's Playhouse)

3D Dinosaur Adventure

Mommy, I love you so much.

I wish it was like it was before...

Estupid...

SOOO I finally made a steam account and have 3 games already.  I beat one of them and I'm going to start the next one soon but I have homework that is always lurking nearby.  I know why in the itty bitty back of my brain, I don't want to do hwk or school or anything, but I need to get over it.  I'm a bitter person and I need to get over that too.  Funny how I like sour things...heh.    

On a side note, we cleaned the bathroom (Manfriend probably did most of it) and we went out and finally got a bunch of stuff we needed for it.  While cleaning we realized the toilet seat was basically broken so we had to buy a new one.  It looks so lovely and clean and refreshing in there now and the shower curtain we got is adorable.  

I bought a dresser today off craigslist today so I will finally be able to get my fish tank back up.  I needed more space for my clothes and knick knack items, so hopefully this works out.

This is like the least interesting post I've ever made.

HEY THO

This semester of school has given me so much anxiety that I literally feel like throwing up every time I open the student online portal.  I feel like it's FAU all over again.  I hate that I have to explain myself to people all the time.  I introduce myself and then have to be like heyy so if I act weird or disappear it's because I'm severely mentally ill. And people respond like, oh of course, I'm so damn cordial right now but you better believe when I watch you crash and burn I'm going to think you are acting out and pretending to get attention and extra time.

Please, betch.

It's gonna be huge...

So I'm typing this up on my new computer I bought courtesy of school money, but it's been freezing up a lot, or rather being laggy and it's making me mad.  I don't know if I have to call and ask about how to set it up properly or something but it needs to quit it.  I have spent way too much money on this for it to be laggy.  
In other news, I'm about half way done with my masters.  Not having a lot of fun like usual and feeling so much self doubt that I want to scream everyday all day all the time.  We just hit the summer semester and I just finished my first year of substituting.  It was really fun at times but mostly irritating so I don't think I want to do it again.  I think I might keep the job though for random days but as my only job, it's not something I enjoy so much.  The kids are the best and worst part about the job, but mostly I have problems with bureaucratic nonsense that fills the schools.  We moved, again, and I am currently residing at Manfriend's house in the room next to his.  I pay basically utilities in rent, and it's nice having my own room but I feel lost.  No particular place feels like home anymore and it makes me feel like a wandering ghost.  I float about to different places, homes and buildings pretending I'm suppose to be somewhere.  My housing situation should change again soon if we end up moving into a new house but I think my family would prefer if I don't move back in; my mom if we are being specific.  Since the substituting job ends at the end of the school year, I am back to applying for work.  It's kind of awful.  I am in a situation where I either have too much education, not enough experience, or don't fit the criteria.  This is true for jobs that don't pay anything and have high turn over.  I am still not being hired.  The only reason the substituting job worked out is because they literally take everyone as long as you don't have a criminal record.  
So the one cool thing about this computer (please stop lagging) is that I bought it because I needed a computer to work as I am an online student, but also mainly, I want to edit films with it.  I downloaded a free editor the other day and started editing again and I almost cried it was so glorious.  I always remember why I want to make movies when I start editing.  You really get to see the results at that point in the film process.  Unfortunately, this program when exporting leaves a watermark so I uninstalled it and am planning on getting Adobe Premiere Pro CC as soon as I can afford it.  I have a video I have to edit together for a friend and it will be my longest I have ever put together which tops at around an hour.  There isn't a lot of editing that is needed because it is suppose to be very raw and home movie like, but it will still be fun to surprise her with the end result.  I may have lost some of the footage during the move a few months ago though so I'm a little worried about all of it.  Yay anxiety.
Another thing I wanted to focus on is writing.  I want to publish a book at some point. I am really just not feeling school anymore.  I have had so many problems in college that have nothing to do with the actual classes that I feel like your grades are not really a determinant of anything.  It's more like, can you survive all the nonsense of the U.S. education system and come out feeling like your ready to work.  I kind of want to drop out but I've spent so much money it would be such a waste to do it.  I really wanted to keep going to school past my masters, even a ph.d., but I can't stand the way schools are run.  
This has been a gigantic rant of nonsense.