Before All

Today was emotionally draining.
Old family videos.
Crying again and again.

I should never ever reminisce and feel nostalgia.

It makes everything in me want to die.


I kinda decided today that I want to die before everyone in my family.
Before my grandparents and Mom and Dad. 

I don't think I could live without them.  It hurts so much without my uncle.

So yes.  Death before all.

I just read something beautiful that someone else wrote that I need to post here.

What it means to be a Mentally Ill College Student

I am a college student at a top university. I also struggle with mood, anxiety, and dissociative disorders. This list reflects (some of) my experiences. It is what I want to send to my professor who is being stingy with extensions and far from understanding. But I can’t. Feel free to reblog, share, heck - even email out to your teachers. If you do, please let me know how that goes. And of course, please add your own if you have more to add.
I am a mentally ill college student:
It means that no matter how much sleep you manage to get, you can never guarantee being awake enough or focused enough for work.
It means not knowing if the same coffee drink will do nothing, work as it is supposed to, or make you anxious and jittery for hours.
It means checking every syllabus for the lateness and attendance policies not because you are lazy but because you have to prepare for the worst.
It means that pulling an all nighter can ruin your ability to think, sleep, and function for days to weeks and having to make that choice anyway.
It means feeling like your excuses aren’t valid because they are all in your head, and it means getting that fear validated over and over.
It means that when anything goes slightly wrong, everybody doubts if you deserve to be there, if you should be where you are, if you should get this kind of education, if you are “well” enough to engage with the rest of society.
It means fearing for your freedom, your financial, familial, and social support, and your health care in ways you probably can’t imagine.
It means that the counseling center looks at you funny and somewhat frightened when you ask for help because they are trained for “run of the mill” college problems and you are out of their league.
It means not being able to stay up when you need to and not being able to sleep even when you can. It means working not only when there’s time in your schedule, but when that happens to match up with when your brain is able to. It means not being master of your own time management.
It means not being able to explain this to any professor because they won’t look at you the same, hold your opinions in the same light, even if they do take you seriously.
It means that when I mean to take an hour long nap or a 20 minute break, I can’t be sure that those times will stay that way.
It means spending some evenings you know you should be working, even wanting to be working, convincing yourself to move, or that you are actually there, or just quieting your brain. It means using distractions as necessity.
It doesn’t mean just being overwhelmed every once in a while. It doesn’t mean I fooled around and spent too much time slacking off or partying. It doesn’t mean I just had a sucky week. It doesn’t mean I am letting my social problems interfere with my academics.
It means I have to keep things in mind constantly that you never have to think about. It means I have to make choices that you’ll never have to make, it means that when I am down to the wire, it is because I am pushing my self to my limit just to be there.
Because it doesn’t mean, not even remotely, that I am not devoted, that I’m not interested, that I’m not in love with learning. That I don’t want to impress you, to get my work done on time, to do a great job. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve this. I doesn’t mean I should be locked away. It doesn’t mean I should have to pay for extra semesters of schooling out of pocket that no one will give me scholarship or tuition benefit for.

It means you should, probably, work with me, give me the time I need. Realize that your assessments should be based on my understanding, not my time management. It means you should try to understand.

FINALLY done with the semester.
I hate my school and classes and everyone there.
SO happy to be done.

School makes me cry.

I need to vent really quick.
My older brother is an asshole to the highest and widest degree.
He is mean and selfish and no...just fucking no.
But he is mean in that weird way where he decides randomly to be selfish and mean but  acts normal and you can get along with him.  Backstabber.
Everyone in my family thinks he is amazing though because he is so smart and just got a wonderful job and supports himself.
I don't care how smart you are if you are a mean person.
I don't care how good you are at math and science and random ass shit if you are a bad fucking person.
It shouldn't matter. It should not fucking matter.

I know I am jealous of how easy life is for him.... and I can admit school is harder for me....but I don't feel like I would betray my family the way he does...and if I did, I would not hear the end of it. I would not be forgiven. I know this because my brother has done really mean things and everyone just forgets...me other the hand does not receive the same treatment.  We both have had mental break downs.  He received love and understanding.  I was told I would get better with meds and didn't discuss much more about it.  I didn't get better. I will never get better because I am sick in the head.
I don't understand it though. Why can't they treat me like him?

The only solace I have is he does not live with us anymore.

I'm sorry...I just needed to write this somewhere.

Floods...

So...since the flood of 2012 happened, we've been staying at my gram's house a lot.  I love eating together at night though.  It has been fun.  My brother and I are pretending we live in a post apocalyptic world.  

I think Cloudy is sick.  I need to make more money for a vets visit.

I rung the bell at my Orthodontist's office which means I should be getting my braces off in January.  I will be kinda sad to part with them.  I always wanted braces when I was younger and now I've had them for over two and half years.  Why am I sad? Ugh.
 I'm weird.

 I hope my teeth look purty.  I love smiles and I want to have one that I love and use often.

I haven't been doing well with my workouts.  Especially since the flood.  I get home too late and I'd have to do it whilst at my gram's or I wouldn't be able to get a shower in.  They also just sold the treadmill which made me super sad....

I did try to plan though to do cardio for at least 30 minutes Saturday, Sunday and Monday, and Friday if I have time which I usually don't.  This would leave it so I would have at least 3 days in.  School days are rough to get anything in because I'm at school for around 9 hours which is pretty tiring.  I think after the beginning of December, I will be done with school until January so I should have a lot more time to work out and get it in everyday.  
I kinda have this goal that I want to lose over ten lbs by the time I get my braces off so I feel thinner and better and such with awesomish teeth.  I'm also sick of hating my body.  I want to be able to run far again and do active things without dying and fit into all my clothes again.  I have a really pretty blue dress that won't fit properly until I lose around 15 lbs.

I also really want to improve and save my grade for this semester.  School is rough for me.  It seems so much harder in my brain than on paper.  I don't know why I complicate things.  I really want All A's!


OHHHH YES. I signed up for watercolor painting next semester....SO EXCITED. I'm trying to fit in a film class too but I don't know if the scheduling will work out.

BOOP.

I flooded two rooms in my house last night.

I am beyond being terrible at life.

A longgg time...

I haven't written a post in so longggggggggggggg I'm sorry I've been neglecting you blogspot. It mostly was because my computer has been out of order, but now it is back! I had a fun Halloween. I wore my skeleton costume again because of lack of funds but this time I painted my face and wore battle boots. I went with the kids and Manfriend. He was a magical warrior of some sort that is from a book series that he reads. He looked wonderful. The kids were dressed up as Jesse from Toy Story and a skeleton 80s looking thug guy. hehe.

We got lotsa candiessssss. So yummy.


Goodness A lot has happened since my last post.

I go to a new college now.  I moved back home because I became overwhelmingly mentally sick.  And then we moved to a new house that is a few blocks from my other house.  I miss my room.  I am behind a year because of it and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for it.  I still go to therapy, my septum is pierced.  Goodness it has been for over a year now.  I should post a pic. It's cute.  I'm going to get my lingual frenulum pierced as soon as I get my braces off because for now there is just too much metal in my mouth.  I don't talk to many people still.  I might be considered a hermit.  I miss some of my friends but I think they are just being all lively in such in their lives so I'm just here being sad. weh for me.

I am not sure about how I feel about my new school. I am incredibly shy. Still. blegh. It is really really hard to talk to people and relate to them.  I don't know why I am this way.  I think I am overly sensitive and I'm a bit quiet and strange when I do talk.  I can tell how weird it is sometimes to people.  I kinda hate school because of my shy and awkwardness and it feels impossible to ask for help.  I graffiti (draw pictures) in one of the stalls in the girls bathroom.  There are 10 pictures in total I think on different tiles.  It is sort of my place of solace.  I should take a picture of it when the wall is filled. Hopefully none of the janitors will scrub it away.  

I'm still super confused about my sexuality but have no one to talk to about it.  I constantly want to do other things besides homework and anything to do with school because it makes me so depressed.  I love learning but I hate my experiences in college.  

I still want to be involved in the movie industry more than anything else.  

The doctors still haven't found the right meds for me so I've stopped going for awhile to cool off the overload of pills to my brain.  

I wish I was different everyday.