Estupid...

SOOO I finally made a steam account and have 3 games already.  I beat one of them and I'm going to start the next one soon but I have homework that is always lurking nearby.  I know why in the itty bitty back of my brain, I don't want to do hwk or school or anything, but I need to get over it.  I'm a bitter person and I need to get over that too.  Funny how I like sour things...heh.    

On a side note, we cleaned the bathroom (Manfriend probably did most of it) and we went out and finally got a bunch of stuff we needed for it.  While cleaning we realized the toilet seat was basically broken so we had to buy a new one.  It looks so lovely and clean and refreshing in there now and the shower curtain we got is adorable.  

I bought a dresser today off craigslist today so I will finally be able to get my fish tank back up.  I needed more space for my clothes and knick knack items, so hopefully this works out.

This is like the least interesting post I've ever made.

HEY THO

This semester of school has given me so much anxiety that I literally feel like throwing up every time I open the student online portal.  I feel like it's FAU all over again.  I hate that I have to explain myself to people all the time.  I introduce myself and then have to be like heyy so if I act weird or disappear it's because I'm severely mentally ill. And people respond like, oh of course, I'm so damn cordial right now but you better believe when I watch you crash and burn I'm going to think you are acting out and pretending to get attention and extra time.

Please, betch.

It's gonna be huge...

So I'm typing this up on my new computer I bought courtesy of school money, but it's been freezing up a lot, or rather being laggy and it's making me mad.  I don't know if I have to call and ask about how to set it up properly or something but it needs to quit it.  I have spent way too much money on this for it to be laggy.  
In other news, I'm about half way done with my masters.  Not having a lot of fun like usual and feeling so much self doubt that I want to scream everyday all day all the time.  We just hit the summer semester and I just finished my first year of substituting.  It was really fun at times but mostly irritating so I don't think I want to do it again.  I think I might keep the job though for random days but as my only job, it's not something I enjoy so much.  The kids are the best and worst part about the job, but mostly I have problems with bureaucratic nonsense that fills the schools.  We moved, again, and I am currently residing at Manfriend's house in the room next to his.  I pay basically utilities in rent, and it's nice having my own room but I feel lost.  No particular place feels like home anymore and it makes me feel like a wandering ghost.  I float about to different places, homes and buildings pretending I'm suppose to be somewhere.  My housing situation should change again soon if we end up moving into a new house but I think my family would prefer if I don't move back in; my mom if we are being specific.  Since the substituting job ends at the end of the school year, I am back to applying for work.  It's kind of awful.  I am in a situation where I either have too much education, not enough experience, or don't fit the criteria.  This is true for jobs that don't pay anything and have high turn over.  I am still not being hired.  The only reason the substituting job worked out is because they literally take everyone as long as you don't have a criminal record.  
So the one cool thing about this computer (please stop lagging) is that I bought it because I needed a computer to work as I am an online student, but also mainly, I want to edit films with it.  I downloaded a free editor the other day and started editing again and I almost cried it was so glorious.  I always remember why I want to make movies when I start editing.  You really get to see the results at that point in the film process.  Unfortunately, this program when exporting leaves a watermark so I uninstalled it and am planning on getting Adobe Premiere Pro CC as soon as I can afford it.  I have a video I have to edit together for a friend and it will be my longest I have ever put together which tops at around an hour.  There isn't a lot of editing that is needed because it is suppose to be very raw and home movie like, but it will still be fun to surprise her with the end result.  I may have lost some of the footage during the move a few months ago though so I'm a little worried about all of it.  Yay anxiety.
Another thing I wanted to focus on is writing.  I want to publish a book at some point. I am really just not feeling school anymore.  I have had so many problems in college that have nothing to do with the actual classes that I feel like your grades are not really a determinant of anything.  It's more like, can you survive all the nonsense of the U.S. education system and come out feeling like your ready to work.  I kind of want to drop out but I've spent so much money it would be such a waste to do it.  I really wanted to keep going to school past my masters, even a ph.d., but I can't stand the way schools are run.  
This has been a gigantic rant of nonsense.

I WAS ACCEPTED INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL

Yes!

Gurgle Gurgle...

Please Welcome... 

ELI BIRB

So I did end up adopting a bird, not a conure sadly (but I'm secretly planning to get one) but a lovely little Quaker Parrot (Monk Parakeet)!

I adopted him from this lady that runs a bird rescue at her house.  Manfriend and I drove all the way to her to go see this little birb I had been considering and he ended up giving me lots of kisses when we were there and I just kinda was smitten.  she also had a really good price for a nice cage.  I kinda honestly want to get him a bigger cage and use this one for another bird in the future because he is not huge but indeed bigger than a green cheek conure.

He has a permanently fractured wing that you can't see in this pic on his right side but can still fly. He was lovely for the first week but I think we are out of the honeymoon phase and he is testing everyone.  So far he has been really good with me though except for one day in which he was just totally off in general.  I feed him zupreem pellets, nutriberries, and fresh fruit and veggies (have to work on getting more veggies).

So hopefully he will be able to help me in some therapeutic way.  The first thing I've noticed is just that I have to get up in the morning to take care of him and that in itself is great.  People never realize how hard it is to get up when you are depressed.

So I am in the process now of establishing myself with him and then moving on to step up commands which is going to be a little more difficult because of his balance issues, but I'm sure if I work on it he will get through it.

Hopefully this was a good idea.  

Thank you Manfriend for making this possible!

<3thank font="" for="" happen="" making="" manfriend="" this="" you="">

I'll miss you

Birds...

So I've had some weird obsessions with becoming a professional mermaid, moving out to a tiny house so I can have my own tiny space with a cat, dog, fish, and a bird, and just basically saying blah to the rest of the world.   I've always been kind of scared of birds because I was attacked by one when I was younger, but I went by an exotic bird store with Manfriend because we haven't been there since the dinosaur parakeet incident, and I had been considering a lot of options besides dogs and cats for a companion animal and a bird was just kinda stuck there even though I am scared of them.  So we go into this shop with a screaming cockatoo that the owner is even getting a headache from, but I honestly don't mind as much because I am just so excited to be around animals.  So I nervously view all them and really want to hold one this time and try to get over my fear.  I've read a lot about some species of birds and really wanted to see the cockatiels and maybe budgie parakeets.  So we ask the owner if she can show us and she says the budgies are not hand tamed quite yet so will still bite, but the cockatiels are new babies and will just be scared but not bite.  So I put my hand in, reliving events of before of my hand being ripped apart, and find out they are just being silly and kind of scared but not hurting me.   THIS makes me so happy that I don't know what to do with myself and decide I really want a bird.  Alas, I find out that cockatiels are really bad (as I had read) for people with asthma or allergies because they are one of the types of birds that release a sort of dust from their wings.  So big loud cockatoos are out and sadly my first choice of cute cockatiels follows (even though I secretly want to get one anyway).  So the owner talks to us lots about all different birds and I get to hold her wayyy larger caique which apparently is a lady killer and is whistling at me and doesn't want me to put him down.  I'm so flattered by it but he is just so huge I'm reliving once again the beak incident even though he was lovely and docile.  So at this point, the owner pulls out a red-bellied conure.  Now, the bad incident I had was with I think a pineapple conure or sun conure? Either way, same type of bird just different coloring.  I also failed to mention earlier that the only reason I had ever considered a bird ever again and went to this shop is because at another shop some time ago, I decided to trust another conure and put my hands in the cage, and he was the sweetest, cutest and most adoring thing, and I cried right there in the store because animal affection is just too much for my heart.  So she pulls out this little cute thing and tells me that he is super sweet and tells me to let him step up on me.  My heart is palpating but he is just so cute but I'm hoping he doesn't  draw blood.  INSTEAD, he is the sweetest most adorable little birdie.  He looks at me and turns around in circles and starts displaying his wings at me.  I slowly go to rub his neck and he adores it and closes his eyes a bit.  Then he starts to climb up my arm, but the owner said to hold him on my hands when he's this young to show our equal dominance because to them, height is everything.  So I just carefully pick him up and put him back on my finger and he seems super content and displays his wings again and is just all around being cute.  The owner tells me they tend to be very silly and playful and him displaying his wings to me and turning all around and such is showing that he is already extremely comfortable and taken with me.  She then scoops him up onto his back and starts kissing him and then places him back on my finger.  At this point I'm on the verge of tears staring at Manfriend and he is smiling at me and tells me he wants to get me this bird but of course its like 450 dollars.  So the store is closing and I sadly give the bird back and talk more to the lady about birds and I just .....the affection of animals is like one of the things in life I live for.  Oh my heart!

This whole experience was really great for me to get  more comfortable around birds but I did realize that this place breeds birds.  I don't believe in breeding because it's in excess and their are already tons of birds that need adopting.  So I'm super conflicted because I fell in love with this bird that I feel I shouldn't purchase.  It's sad.  So I have been looking at bird adoption centers, and as I thought, there are lots of birds that need love.  So hopefully I will be visiting some of those places soon. 

Adopt! Don't shop!    (even if you fell in love...)