12-13-14

I'm the worst...

I have just one more paper left that I am currently avoiding and an Africa map quiz.  THEN I will be done with this last Fall semester of undergrad.  From there I will not have a vacation except for maybe a day or two, but only reading and writing all of my forty page thesis paper.  At least I really like the subject.  I am writing about Animal Assisted Therapy.  I kinda wish though I was allowed to write about people assisting animals too. BECAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA OF A MUTUAL BOND OF HELPNESS.  And I like the idea of people helping out animals.  Actually, this is my paper and I am going to some how incorporate that into it.  It's happening.  Unless my advisor is stupid like she normally is and tells me I can't.  I just really need more articles.  I can't even start the introduction because I can't find enough information about the beginning of Animal Assisted therapy in a peer reviewed paper.  Also I've run into some stipulations with paperwork and I feel like I'm going to die with red tape all over me or much like Robert De Niro in Brazil.  I really don't want to be free of school, but I can't wait to graduate from the honors college.  They are ridiculous.

So the idea of moving out has come across my brain a lot lately.  I have lots of pros of moving out and lots of cons.  Probably more cons.  And this is referring to going somewhere for school because I can't actually afford to move out to my own apartment or house.  But if I moved out I wouldn't have to deal with driving so much and my parents wouldn't have to deal with my horribleness and they wouldn't have to pay for me directly.  Also, I want a therapy dog or cat or animal and I can't have that here.  The cons though are so important though that it doesn't seem worth it.  Last time I moved out I gave up on life and had to move back home and wasted a lot of money.  I really don't want to do that again.  I wish I could move out and live down the street or something like that.  Or even across the street.  I know it sounds stupid but that might work for me.  I love living at home and having my parents right there.  As much as I am a terrible daughter, I like to think I am 5 and they care about me the same as they use too.

I just want it to be like it was when I was little.  I think I would give things ups for that.  Give it all up.    :'(

Murphy's Law...

We saw INTERSTELLAR...

There is just too much to describe about it.  My mind always buzzes with movie things after I see each one.
The feeling is just... I don't know...I just don't know.
What I do know is that  I want to make movies more than anything.

I want so badly for someone to teach me how in some kind of internship.  I need technical help and help with organization and just how everything works in the film industry.  I'm so scared of people...scared of what will happen....

scared of running out of time...

The pains...

I am constantly wishing my brain would stop hurting me.

ONE YEAR UNTIL WE SEE MARTY MCFLY AND DOC BROWN

Music is what feelings sound like.

Stupid...

I missed National Coming Out Day.
I don't know if that matters yet.  I don't want to go to school.  I like learning but school makes me sad...I don't know why or I do and I'm being lazy.  It feels like I'm doing a lot of work to get just an Honors Bachelors Degree and not coming out with a job or more opportunities.  I think it's the fact that I have to write this dang thesis.  It's too much.  I feel like it's not going to matter.  I've seen better students than me not get into any of the schools they wanted to.  So how the heck am I suppose to?  It seems like you get more out of life by just being a really sociable and extroverted than actually knowing anything.

Life is stupid.

I don't know...

I don't know why things have to change...like I know that responsibilities are expected to be with held as you age, but I can't figure out the dynamics of couples and their relationships and what is expected or in general in this American life, what is expected.  Like why can't you sleep over peoples houses after your marry someone?  Why can't you go out and do things without telling them?  Why can't you just be who you were before them?  And this really just goes beyond marital status.  Just things in general change so much into this really illogical trapped version of what we were before.  Do we all have to turn into the same thing?  The same copy after copy?  What if I don't want to marry anybody...but then all my friends will be and I can't hang out with them.  What if I want two husbands or a wife? or a wife and a husband?  What if we just share mutual awesome respect? Again though...relationships are just part of this insanity. I don't know....I really hate this.  I just want things to be different.  Always different.  I don't know why I am never satisfied with really anything.  Where did this come from?  Why should I expect anything?  I mean really...if being molested isn't enough...why is expecting things to get better what I think may happen?  This stupid hope?  I don't understand.  I don't understand anything.  The more I learn about life, the less I feel like I know.  I don't know if I want to be part of this anymore.

In the name of Healthcare...

I had a test today and then headed out to get some of my Dad's errands done.  We headed to his friends work to get papers signed and I got to walk around a beach side condo and the penthouse! I enjoyed the building and the envious view and I may or may not have snooped around the house.   Then we headed out for lunch and had fish sandwiches that were awesome near the beach.  Then we headed to the healthcare building which happened to have awesome architecture.  Then the long drive home.  I need to travel.  I go out of the city to a few places and I'm already amazed.  I also forgot how much I love taking pictures of things.  I wish I had the time...

In all of us...

I kinda feel like I still can't like the things I want to like without someone, a friend or family member, making fun of me for it.  It's so ridiculous.  Let me like things without making a big deal out of it.  I am scared to be myself.  It's sad and annoying and depressing.  WITH THIS. I need to remember that if I want people to treat me this way, that I need to treat them this way too.  I think part of the reason I do react negatively at times is because I'm already put off by something rude or mean the other person said...but still.  I need to be more open and loving even if they are not.

With that...I need to buy some headphones and listen to more jams.  I miss music.  It's hard to look for stuff when you are always tired and wanting to be asleep.  It's really hard to do anything actually except for school work.  Today was nice though.  I should have studied but some besties came over and we watched Captain America: Winter Soldier, which was so good.  Better than the first by far.  I kinda of want to be Winter Soldier for Halloween now.  Too bad I don't have the money to create an awesome metal arm and get his whole suit.  One day though.  That movie made me want to get into shape so badly and learn how to fight.  The Dark Knight movies make me feel that way too.

Let's be real....

I just want to be a super hero.

Dang weird...

I think about graduating this year a lot.  I'm hoping it revives my goals in life or something.  I still remember how good it felt to graduate from high school.  It actually threw me off when I did.  I was really sad to leave and still don't like that I did, but I felt accomplished....and that's a really rare feeling for me.  I didn't think I'd feel that way.  I really hope I feel it again.  I don't know if I'll be able to continue on to graduate school without feeling like I'm moving forward in my life in some way or another.  It's becoming painfully obvious to me that money is the only way that I will ever break into the film industry.  I am too shy to apply anywhere and lack the motivation or endurance to write a full script.  Do I have ideas? YES.  Which is great and I'm happy about, but they mean nothing if I can't express them.  It seems like a lot of things don't mean much if you can't show for it unfortunately.  I love the idea of writing songs.  I think of lyrics quite often but I don't know how to write music.  It seems I need help to complete numerous things.  I'd really like to produce a song some day with my voice and instrumentals.  That would be so lovely.

As far as my brain goes,  I seem to be doing worse.  It's so weird being a Psych major and having psychological disorders.  It makes everything really complicated and clear at the same time.  I have a primary doctor's appointment on Tuesday to check bodily things out.  I was just at an Urgent Care and found out I have Bronchitis and am on lots of meds plus asthma nebulizer stuffs. So we will see what she says about my general health on Tuesday.  I want to ask about how much I should weigh.  I've never asked a doctor that before and I'm wondering if they will have a clear response.  I also have found that within the doctors that I go to, I think there is a psychiatrist available that may take my insurance.  That would be really fantastic if it is true.  I need to get on  some head meds again as soon as possible.  It's so weird to be able to observe your own insanity but not be able to control it.  It's so dang weird.

Updatious...

Ack.  I wrote a thing and it got erased but I copied it.  Read from here! And I will continue.

What I was trying to say was that I should be starting weightlifting next week which should really help with toning and losing more weight and of course strengthening dem muscles!

I want to not be sick.  Blegh.

FREE...

IT'S SUMMERRRRR as Olaf would say.

Also I worked out today : D

Manfriend and I also hung out with our best friend.

I wanted to cry during a lot of it.

I'm not ready for the outside world.

So close...

OH MY GARSH. THIS SEMESTER IS ALMOST OVERRR.
 I could cry.  I probably will cry when it ends.  I am so ready to be done.  
I've been working on my comic for class for the last few hours.  I am a sleepy child.  I want to camp on the beach.  I think I am going to do that this summer.  I just am overwhelmingly for the nonsense to be over.  To finally sleep without worrying about homework.  Ohhhhh I can't wait.  3 more days.

Magic...

I love Disney movies.

That is all.

Cut Cut Cut...

I gotta keep writing on this thing.  I don't want to just quit on it.  I have a real tangible journal and I never write in it.  I use to quite often.  It's almost ten years old now and it's incredibly interesting and sad to read.  I was the saddest child ever and still just as sad.  What was the point of therapy? and meds for that matter?  Sadness everywhere in my heart and in my soul and it never goes away.  I shake when no one is looking, I swell tears in my eyes when no one is there, I am always a circus balancing act in front of everyone to watch and laugh at.  Who am I? Why am I like this?  Why the self mutilation?  Why am I not better?

Catch Up...

We went to Lego Land for the first time ever this past weekend.  It was a lot more fun than I expected because I did not know what to expect.  It was probably the first time I've gone to a theme park and not looked anything about it up or had any expectation of what it would be like.  I could have gone without the scary two way in the middle of nowhere dark horrible ride back home, BUT still so much family fun which is always the best.  I had a lot of things due for school right before we left, so that was nice to get all done and such.  I am really completely hating school as always.  I love learning, but man do I hate college and all the terrible situations I've gotten myself into and haven't been able to deal with.  The bathroom has been a solace away from people and life.  Thank you school bathroom stalls.
Sometimes I wish I was born a boy.  I hate those moments.  They are really confusing.
I should probably go to bed.  It's nearly one and I'm pretty darn tired.  Night Night.

Fishas...

The kids and I won goldfish at the fair this past Monday.  I've been reading a lot about them and I feel awful about the goldfish I use to have.  I didn't properly take care of them at all.  I feel terrible about this.  I didn't realize how big they may grow either.  I am very anxious about their lives but I hope I can soon provide a proper tank for them.  They are in a 10 gallon one now but it is not suitable and does not have a filter and such.  I'm thinking of just purchasing a new one because this one is very dirty and was used before for a different animal.  I'm not sure yet though.  I have to decide on a substrate soon if any and buy everything they will need.

ANXIETY.

Stuffs...

Just wanted to check in.  Almost been a week since my Birthday.  I've been thinking a lot about doctor visits and how much medicine could benefit my life if I could finally find something that works.  I've been told directly by my therapist that cognitive behavioral therapy doesn't seem to work on me.  It has been quite a long time of trying it out.  She keeps suggesting I try medicine again because of possible chemical imbalances and such.  I really need to fix myself so I can be active and feel stable. I need to email these people.

On a higher note, Manfriend took me after my Chemistry test to Barnes and Noble to just hang out.  I can't believe we have never just looked at books next to each other in a book store.  Besides the whole sick thing I've been having with bouts of nausea, it was so lovely.  I'd like to do it again soon and get some coffee drink or something to sip on with the enjoyment of reading and browsing and just being next to each other.  I miss reading for pleasure very much and just in general looking at different kinds of books.  I'm usually busy with writing papers or reading text books so I don't have the time to read other things.  Also, I am one of those people that once I get into a book, I don't want to do anything else but read it until it is done.  DEVOURED.  And that is bad when you have to study and do homework.

My teacher and I just had a little email chat back and forth and he is letting me have 2 extra days for the writing assignment.  I told him I needed a copy of the prompt because I could not find mine and then he forgot to send it.  I think he feels bad because the paper is due tomorrow but still...I lost it...he didn't have to do that.  I am super grateful but now I feel like my paper has to be Godly and I don't think I am capable of doing so.  Weh.

OHHH. Manfriend got me an Electric Ukulele for my Birthday! It is amazing and needs a name.  I can't wait to get really good on it.  I have to practice.  My Daddy got me a pretty card and my Mom and the kids got me a silly mustache card and a cute hat and gloves set that look like they could be from the 20's with a modern twist. 

In other news, I've been looking for possible internships because all my impossible ones for film internships are...well...impossible.  I've decided I'd like to work maybe at a sanctuary for animals if I can't get anything for film.  I also found out I will have to go to my college for another year if I want my Honors degree and credits.  I need to ask for an Official Audit to be done to really see where I am but I feel as though I will have well over 120 credits if I take another full year plus what I have to accomplish over the summer.

I have been going to bed every night really late and then waking up early in a very sickly state.  I HAVE TO GET THIS GETTING TO BED THING DOWN. 

Goodnight :)

23...

Today is my Birthday and I am late night posting before the day ends.

The day didn't go as planned as all of my days never do.  The car had a flat tire so I was at Wallace Mart getting it fixed most of the day.  It made me really sad.  Not sure how I feel about the entirety of the day but I'm trying to feel happy.  It's really hard to do it though.  I wonder if everyone is good at it or it just isn't as hard for them or they are just better at it.  I don't know.  I'm really trying to keep it together.  I don't want the day to end.  I want to hold onto this day and snapshot memories in my brain.  Just gotta get the right meds.  I have to call this guy to get the right meds.  I have to get better.  This has to happen.

Happy Birthday Carina.

Newness...

So far this semester has been pretty interesting in odd ways.  People have actually talk to me....so strange.  I really am hoping to do well this semester.  Anyhoo... I just wanted to make a tiny update.  I am ready for bed!

Love is so much worse...

I should really sleep. I'm exceptionally tired but I really wanted to write something.

Today was rough. I have classes that I hate. 5 classes that I hate.  One in particular I don't know if I'm going to be able to emotionally handle.  I'm actually scared to go back.  It's weird that we have to share personal items in this class.  It makes sense because we are writing CV's for grad school but I don't like everyone knowing my grades. It makes me feel weird.  Or even life events.  They are not for students.  I even had panicky moments as a child when we had to switch papers to grade so I would just keep mine and pretend I switched it.  So I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.  I wonder if I can file under disability for not doing certain things.  I doubt it but I do have a crippling social anxiety that  is getting worse.  

Anyhoo.  I had a long conversation at my grandma's and I cried a lot and felt really bad afterward and my grandpa called me after that and talked to me and it was heart breaking and I hate life so much.  

Love is going to kill me.