Colder...

The weather was wonderful today.  I wish I had spent more time outside.  I applied for a job as a cake decorator trainee or baker trainee at Publix.  Hopefully I will get one of those jobs, preferably the cake decorator! I would get paid to make art on cakes! Just finished a week on my new meds.  I don't feel any different.  

Christmas was really nice with my family.  The kids were happy and my Mom seemed content.  I received some books to write in.  They are lovely. 

What....

Do what you will...

For I will not stop you

Be an evil that kills...

And I will not stop you

Be unrighteous and still...

I will not stop you

Rip out my heart and spill...

I cannot stop you.

Please...don't...

I think I'll die if he does.

This...

I miss him.  I am a failure. I'm on meds because I can't be normal.  I'm at home because I couldn't take care of myself.  I'm sad because I make myself sad.  I am pathetic because I can't stand up and do something about what's happening to me.  They keep telling me I'm sick and I'll get better.  I'm sorry.  But this is me...and your meds don't work.

I dreampt...

Then I lived.  Both ending at a point.  I never made it to the place.  The spot.  The hope.  I never seem to make it even when all odds are with me.  I can't seem to make it anywhere.  I don't have goals because I know I'll never reach them.  I want to keep caring but the feeling is getting old.  I don't know what it means to be content.  I lost him.  I lost her.  I lost me.

Please tell me...

What do you do when you're not ready to grow up?

What...

What did they mean when they said it would get better?  What get better? I get better? My life get better? Some how magically everything is all better?

Why do I do this to myself...

Thank you...

Thanksgiving was nice with my family.  We ate lots of food! So yummy.  And leftovers have been yummy too.

Today has been kinda awkward.  For some reason when my dad comes over, there's this strange feeling.  It's hard to explain.  I don't like it though.  I think my new dosage is working to an extent.  It seems to make it easier to mask emotions and not cry....but it doesn't mean I don't still feel them.  I'm quite unsettled at the moment about a lot of things but I don't know if I can do anything about them and if I could, I don't know where to start. 

I wish my mind was just happy and situations didn't effect me so much.  I am so emotional at times and cold other times.  There is just so much on my mind...

Oopsie Poopsie...

I had something written earlier for this but I accidentally closed out the window....

yeah....

S.A.

I want to be a secret agent.  Travel the world with secret assignments.  Become a different person in every place.  Have the strength to talk to anyone I needed to.  Be who I want to be.

Yup...

Halloweeeeeeeen

I probably should post about Halloween when I'm in a better mood but I don't want to forget again to update.
 

Thursday I went to Manfriend's house and we made sugar cookies and pumpkin bread.  Everything we baked was delicious and perfect.  He really is a fantastic cook.  I keep telling him he should write his own recipes and make a book.
 

I went camping with my family on Saturday and it was  lots of fun.  None of us had ever done it before so it was a wonderful new experience.  I love the sound of the wind in the middle of the night in the forest.  It almost sounds like ocean waves.  CAMPING ON THE SEASHORE is now on my to do list.  The sand won't be pleasant though.  I also was supposed to get my septum pierced Sunday but the shop was closed.  I was quite annoyed and frustrated.  Halloween was really nice even though I would have rather spent it with my family.  I ate pizza and cookies and watched horror films.

                        Oh! Here is a pic of my costume.

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Halloween.

I really can't wait to go home again.

T-range....

So...life...it feels different this week but the same.  Strange feeling.
I lost four lbs! I don't feel any different though.
I'm going over to Seth Rogan's abode to watch the old batman animated series tonight.  BUT I just remembered I have a meeting tonight with Equal too...so I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.
I've beaten Oregon Trail twice.  I feel empowered.

I still need money and a job.
I actually did pretty well on my Human Species test last week but eh on the quiz for Physio.

I have a quiz this week and a paper due and a test next week.
I can't wait to go home.

Fransssss

This weekend was amazing.  My two best friends were down the first day and then I had one of them stay for the whole weekend.  I didn't want her to leave... : (
I know I keep saying I have to get organized...but Idk how...I have a counselor meeting this Wednesday. I'm pretty nervous. I have two tests this week.  I'm pretty nervous.  Two of my grades suck.  I'm pretty nervous.

Hoping...

My arms and shoulders are a bit sore from the exercises I did yesterday! Yay! I think I'm going to go back to the gym today with my text book and read while power walking again.  I wish I could run while reading but I think it just causes my body to bounce too much and my eyes can't focus on the words.  Or maybe I'll run and then read on the elliptical. Hrm...either way, I must read.  I had a long and good conversation on the phone with my Mom last night.  It was nice :)   So my best friend should be coming up this weekend! I'm so excited! I hope we can go to Pride in Orlando.  It sounds like so much fun.  I'm trying to get a job to obtain the moneysssss.  I finally found the site I needed to sign up in so I can find a job on campus.  I wanted to work at the gym but I'm not certified in CPR.  I should get on that though.  Once they send me back the email I will be able to see what kinds of jobs are available.  I don't like asking for money so I really hope this works out.  Saying this also means that I really have to get on the ball with my school work.  I think I'm depressed...and it really makes wanting to do anything productive difficult...but I know I have to do it(thank you Manfriend for the constant push!).  I really do want to organize and succeed but this constant emotional struggle is really getting to me and that's why I made an appointment at the counseling center.  I hope it helps.

I need chapstick...

My lips are chapped and I can't stop messing with them.  I'm having urges to do drastic things more and more.  I need a job...No...correction, I need money.  I sleep too much.  I have the craziest dreams.  I have things to do but I keep thinking up reasons why I shouldn't do them.  I'm starting not to care about certain things and then caring too  much about other things.  That probably isn't anything new though.  I miss everyone back at home.  I know I'm not taking advantage of the chances I have been given here but I can't help but have this debilitating sadness most of the day.  I wish I could disappear sometimes. 

Hmph...

I wish it was easier to get my ideas down.  My dreams and random thoughts have been a huge help with ideas for movies lately and I just...I don't know. I don't want to forget them.  I want to actually make them someday.  Blah...I wish I could just get it down.

Waxed Forever...

I don't think I'm going to ever stop laughing.  

These are four links to hilarious waxed celebrities.

1, 2, 3, 4

There are a few doubles but I put them all up because there are different ones on each one.

Dreams...

My dreams are ridiculously realistic.  I woke up this morning thinking I had gone shopping for a shirt and skirt and random bathroom items, I was getting hit on by Michael Fassbender with the intention of dating(and that suddenly he was only 21 but looked older for his age which is actually 34....I would totally be okay with it though ;) ) and that I had been under attack by some alien thing most of the night.  I suppose it's better than not dreaming at all.  I think that would be awful.  No wonder I don't sleep well though.  It never quite feels like I'm asleep.

I think I'm depressed.  All I feel like doing is sleeping...

Well then...

I don't know what is up with me today.  I literally feel like doing nothing. I mean, I did just have a bowl of cereal and that is something but I don't know.  Today...why are you so weird?  Me...why are you so weird?

Here...

I have a new room and a whole new environment to explore...Only thing that really isn't fun about it is a keep getting lost.  I've seen probably a few insides of buildings that I would have never gone in which is a plus but It took my double the time it takes to get to the gym this morning.  My internal compass is really outta wack. 
I bought two new fantail goldfish! Their names are Brie and Monterey Jack.  They keep making this little blup blup sound.  It freaked me out at first because I didn't know where it was coming from but it's pretty cute now.  My room mates are nice.  We don't really see much of each other but I suppose that's alright.  I feel like I'm playing house though.  Like I'm just supposed to go home after the day is done.  I am rather homesick...

So soon...

My life is changing...HUGE CHANGES OCCURIN'. 

200...

Spent the last two days at my friends watching supernatural..Hell yes.
I want to go exploring for ghosts and all that is supernatural.  I heard this hotel in a the next town has a haunted hotel.  I WANT TO GO THERE. And I will some day.

Side Note:  Im officially getting Meds....bring it on.

Holy Buttz....

I'm moving in less than two months.  Scary. New. Exciting. Scary.

Love and War...

I just watched the movie The Willies.

OH MY LORD.

 Perfectly B Rated and terribly disturbing.

Just started BIG FOOT...and then BIG FOOT 2.

My 8 year old brother is watching them with me because he is the best.

Question?

What do you do when you don't know what to do about a situation?  

You really don't want it to stay how it is..but you're not sure how forward you want it to move either...

UGH. life.

College...

I was at orientation all day today for transfer students.  It took forever although it was very informative.  The whole time though all I wanted to do was to go back home.  I don’t think I’m going to enjoy it.  I’m not a people person and I have serious social and anxiety issues.  I want to do it at the same time though. 

Stupid school.  Stupid me.

OHHHH...

Hey there....it's been awhile...

It is summer.  I must plan more things.  It has mainly consisted of video games and trying to figure out ways to get new tires.

It needs to be more exciting.  I'll have to work that out some how.

HEYY OHH....

I graduated with an Associate of Arts degree today! 

: D

Please leave me alone...

Just go away.  Go be where you are supposed to be and leave me alone.

fdaklfjdslakjfdsa

I need to go to the doctor.  Stuff is happening.

Because when someone does...

What is it with life?  It is forever changing..and we know that is the only real thing that stays the same.  I feel like I have a grasp on something, then bam! vamoose!! 

ANYWAY.... Only 4 weeks left of school. So exciting! I can't wait to be out.  I love learning but this semester has been ridiculous.  It needs to be over.  Gotta bring one last grade up and I SHOULD be okay. HOPEFULLY. hehe. GODWILLING.  Caps are fun.  

We drove upstate this past weekend to visit my brother and have a real spring break for once.  It was really nice. I jumped into a spring from 20 ft.  It was scary but I loved it after my body was well into the water.  It was so cool and refreshing. REJUVENATED.  Also, I swam with a manatee.  It was weird to see one in its natural habit.  That probably shouldn't be weird.  MY STATE IS AWESOME.

As the wheels turn...

Today I start again.  Even with these restrictions...I start free.

Because...

I forgot why I care so much.  This could pose as a problem.

Please leave...

Stupidity.

Confusion.

Hostility. 

Sadness.

Deceit.

Anger.

Hatred.

Loneliness.

You have no place in my brain at this moment.

In Forevers...

Gah. Haven't posted in awhile. Just haven't made the time I guess.  Started kickboxing Wednesday.  It's pretty neat.  I didn't expect it to incorporate wall sits.  They are evil.  I must learn to love them.  

I can't believe summer vacation is in a little over a month! and I haven't even had spring break yet! It's crazy.  I really need to start studying.  I have done nothing this semester.  I'm such a slacker.  My grades are pretty awesome considering I literally don't do anything.  Still...I gotta get on the ball. 

B BALL...

AH! I played a game of Basketball with manfriend last night.  OMG!!!! So much fun and I am sore today! YAY!  I miss high school.  I wish I would have had time to try out for our b ball team. Hopefully I will be playing again soon with two more friends for a full court game. Yes!

It's official...

I've become obsessed with something and it is getting out of control.

Escuela...

I really need to keep up with school.  My grades are slipping.  Not a good thing.

Ain't it da truth...

People....Ugh.

Gettin' there...

SOOOOO last night Manfriend and I had an exercise extravaganza. It mostly composed of stretching, jogging for about two miles if not more, and these crazy jump run things we do that are hard as hell but fun.  It was a great workout.  Monday is my weigh in day. Hope I've made some progress.  

Ooh. Going to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow. Should be fun.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

I have had the lovely pleasure of being given a dozen roses, chocolates and a cute assortment of gifts this fine morning.  Manfriend...you amaze me.

Have a wonderful day everyone (partner or not)!

Adventurin'...

So the last couple of days have been filled with adventure.  GAH. I love adventuring.  Rock climbing above racing water to reach a destination across the shoreline.  Running between crashing waves into little caves to seek shelter.  Listening to the thunderous pounds of the god-like force of nature beating at mother earth herself.  It's thrilling.  Simply breathtaking.   I have even have scratched up shins and knees and a cut foot! YES. Haha.  I need to make a head cam and let you see this wonderful place.  Of course it won't be like it is in real life but it is still something I want to take a crack at to film.  We finally got out the huge conch shell! It is awesome.  I will take pics of it for you. 

I met while I was at the beach an old couple and their family.  I talked to them for awhile and it was pleasant.  They were in their 80s and so happy.  The older man thought I looked like I was 15. hehe.  Sometimes I feel a bit uneasy that most of my friends look like their age or older and I look so young but then I remember when we are all in our 40s I'll still look like I'm in my 20s. YES.  Last night at dinner, the waiter thought my mother was my 18 year old brothers wife. haha. 

I finally finished my paper for one of the universities I'm applying to yesterday morning.  It just hit me.  I knew what to write.  I finally could do it and apparently it's pretty darn good.  I feel great about it.  I just hope the admissions office does too.

Today I think we are heading to my home town (yes!) and we are going to hang out with my aunt, maybe see a movie.  Then later we are going to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday.  Fifty years....goodness...

Great day...

Today was pretty awesome.  Had breakfast with manfriend and enjoyed each others company as we do often and played a movie quiz game.  Next I went to counseling and discussed how to finally finish my essay for college.  Then I picked up my little sibs and we headed to the beach.  So much fun!  Rocks and awesomeness. Where I live is amazing.  

We played run from the water, tag, and found a small cave and pretended we were tribal people.  My little brother found a huge conch shell that I am going to go back and see if I can unlodge from the massive rock it is stuck under.  After the beach we headed to Mickey D's for a bit of ice cream and playing in the tubes which was fun.  We headed home after that and then went to an appointment and from there I changed and went to workout on my grandparents' treadmill.  I burned 50% more calories then I usually do today running in intervals for 30 minutes.  I was proud.  It felt really great to be running so much again.  Good music with an awesome beat really helps keep you motivated and pushing yourself.

Memory...

This makes me incredibly sad.  

I remembered why I created my island.

They always let you down...                        always.

And then...

My Birthday weekend was awesome all because of family and friends! Canoeing, dinner and a movie!  Thank you!  Surprise cheesecakes are awesome too ;)  hehe.  Oh, and I received an awesome pocket watch.  I will post pics of it soon.

SCHOOL...is uninteresting to me.  WHAT HAPPENED?!  If I read it alone I love the information but at school...oh my gosh..I don't know why the teachers are bugging me so much this semester.  I need to get over it and just LISTEN.

 

Weekend...

The weekend looks promising.  So excited. 

Friday: Spending time with fam tonight which should be awesome.

Saturday:  Taking my brother to his friends house and spending time with the kids for a bit then heading to my friends house to hang out, have dinner and movie and go to the beach (YAY).

Sunday:  Might be going to an Italian Festival with fam and then hanging out with my best friend to have some sort of picnic.  Hopefully later I will be dying my hair.

The Three Hundred and Sixty-Fifth Day

I've officially had my blog for one year. 

:D

The List....

So last night was interesting.  Met a new person who is rather nice.  Went out to a crazy club with crazy people.  Saw a drag show.  Danced with a random person.  Moved my hips to a beat ;)  Made up a club game.  Fun fun experience.  Surprisingly was the only one of our group who was not deafened by LOUD club music.  Inhaled enough second hand cigarette smoke for a chest pain in the morning.  Tried something new(it's a secret).  Listened to a conspiracy theorist as I slurped a slurpee.  Ended up in two different beds(whoah, that is not what it sounds like).  Yea.  I think I'm doing well with my list so far.  

This weekend coming up I'm finishing the list.  Excited.  I haven't decide what color to dye the bottom layer of my hair yet though. 

List...

HELP ME MAKE A LIST OF TEENAGE THINGS TO DO!  DYING MY HAIR IS ON THE LIST! AND GOING TO A CLUB! WOOT! MORE THINGS MUST BE ADDED!

Talkin'...

I saw a friend of mine today.  We talked for some time about all the things that have been happening.  Goodness...life is so crazy.  And then we got a smoothie because I don't know if you are aware but smoothies soothe the worried soul. YEP.  I'm about to head over to main campus for my first day of Film History.  I am rather excited.  I hope the teacher knows his stuff.  

I've had a lot things on my mind lately (not that that's anything new).  I'm worried about what college I'm going to next fall and I can't get this sense of rejection from everyone and everything away from my head.  It's hard to stay focused and hopeful when I feel this intense sense of near abandonment.  I'm trying to stay positive but I've almost trained myself not to be.  I am ridiculous.  

I talked with my counselor last week more about Prolonged Exposure.  At this juncture in my life...I would not be able to even start this 10 week process.  It sounds so scary.  It basically would be me repeating everything that happen to me in detail over and over again to someone.  They even record it and have me listen to it.  I think there are worksheets and some other type of counseling.  I still can't imagine having to say every single detail over and over again.  Just a bit intense for me. 

Movies...

I've been watching lots of movies lately.  Makes me happy.  I watched I Love You Philip Morris yesterday which is about the famous "King of Cons" Steven Jay Russell. I also went to the movies with my friend and we saw Black Swan.  It was not what I thought it would be but I loved it.  Very interesting.  I'm going to rewatch it alone though.  There were so many people talking during the movie.  I was really happy I saw it in the theater besides the fact that I wanted to punch everyone in the head that was talking.  I like losing myself in movies.  It's probably one of the things I love most about films.  I'm just gone. gone. gone.

Lack there of...

I didn't sleep at all last night but instead watched the T.V. series Skins.  I liked it a lot.  I can't explain why.  Maybe because I have  my own serious issues that most people don't know about and I could have totally been friends with some of the people on the show if they were real.  Anyhoo.  Got the second season already loaded up.  I am also watching Mad Men.  Pretty darn cool so far.  I got the soundtrack to the first season of Skins and there is this song originally by Cat Stevens called Wild World that plays at the finally but was redone by Mike Bailey that I love.  I want to post it here. Maybe I'll just link you right HERE. hehe. I  like it a lot. It is so very sad and pretty.  Enjoy it.  

Floating...

I have to wake up in less than 20 minutes...

A start...

I started working out again today! Excited.  I need motivation and inspiration constantly.  Gotta figure out how to keep at it. 

I watched the original Tron with my fam last night.  It was neat.  I'm lovin' the young Jeff Bridges.  It really is a great little story.  Seeing the first one makes me want to watch the sequel even more.  We also watched The Lawnmower Man.  Odd but neat in its own way.  I watched a movie on my own called Lars and Real Girl.  It has to do with a lonely guy who buys a sex doll for a girlfriend.  It's cute and silly.  An interesting watch if you're looking for something new.

School is starting up again this week.  I like not having to worry about it.  I stress about school way too much.  I hope this semester goes well.  I'm not really excited about any classes I'm taking to be honest because the one class I had been looking forward to was canceled but I hope everything I signed up for ends up being interesting.   

1/1/11