A Truth...

Almost all I will ever need is in the movies.

...

I don't know how I feel right now except I miss Manfriend and wish my mind wasn't so hard to understand.

YES...

 FALL 2013 SEMESTER COMPLETED.

Finally.

Please...

I love education and learning, but I pretty much hate college.

I've learned more reading my text books then most of  my teachers have ever taught me.

I just want them to hand me my B degree already so I can move on to my Master's Degree.

But I am now second guessing this because I hate it so much.

Why must learning and awesomeness have so many necessary evils?

Exams tomorrow and I'm going to fail because I am completely unmotivated, anxiety riddled and depressed.

So close to being done with this semester and I'm going to screw it up at the end.

Page One...

I'm writing a paper tomorrow.  A whole paper. 

 

All the Foods...

Thanksgiving is today! 

I had lots of yummy foods with the family.  We took a family picture too which is something of a rarity.  I was pretty happy about it.  It's not perfect because not everyone decides to smile ever at the same time, but it's still something.

I'm so very sleepy and I have a ton of work tomorrow.

I have a goal of writing at least a 1000 words tomorrow on my third paper of the semester.  It's due Wednesday.  It's intimidating to think about but I work late at night on Saturdays now so I need to make up for missed time and for time Sunday that I will probably be super tired.  It says on my schedule I work 4 hours at my regular job, then now night shift at a newspaper distributing company.  It's rough work but the pay is pretty solid.  I tend to get nauseous if I stay up late so it's kind of blah.  I need to find that medicine that makes my symptoms subside.  I also am probably drinking too much caffeine compared to just regular ol' water.  I just need to get through this weekend and these next two weeks until break.  I can't wait to be done and just Sleeeeppp.

 Nighty night.... ZZZzzzZZZZzzz

I'm having Stress Headaches...

So tomorrow I have a meeting with my new advisor.  I've already had one panic attack with him and I'm pretty sure it's going to happen again.  I want to make it as quick and painless as possible so I can at least see Manfriend for awhile.  I kinda have an idea of what I want to take anyway but I think he wanted to see me so he can tell me that I did poorly on his second test and that I shouldn't take his Psychometrics class.  All my teachers have lost faith in me. 

I hoping to sign up for a few Anthropology classes so that I can get my minor in that concentration.  I think a Bachelors Degree of Arts and Sciences, majoring in Psychology and minoring in Anthropology sounds pretty sharp.

I also figured out today that if my Audit is correct that I could technically graduate earlier than I thought AND if all the Psych teachers at my college didn't ban against me this semester, I could have finished my thesis this year...BUT NOOOOO.   

I hate people.  Especially people in power who don't know how to use it.

Anyway.  I will know by tomorrow what I'm actually going to take. If it's what I have right now, it will be a total of 14 credits with maybe only one class away from the Minor in Anthropology.  So if that happens, I will be short 14 credits, BUT, I plan on taking 3 classes, during the Summer which adds 9, so 5 left, and then hopefully doing an internship which adds at the least 3, which leaves 2 left.  I also haven't transferred over my AP score or CLEPT Spanish Test, so that's maybe an extra 3 or so depending on what they count.

So then I will have more than 120 by the end of the summer....It's a tough shot but I'm not sure if it's worth it without the Honors degree.  I will literally be just missing the thesis besides hopefully picking up another IDS class and Natural Science.

I feel there is a large amount of injustice in them taking away the opportunity I had of doing the thesis.  They basically just said, pay us an extra year of your life and then you will get it.

I'm not sure if I need all the extra class specifications either with a regular degree.  I mean I guess it will look good to a graduate school.  Oh, and if I do end up just finishing by the end of the Summer but not getting to actually graduate until December, then maybe it's worth the extra year for an honors degree.  I don't know though.  I'm going to have to wait to apply for Grad school anyway.  I haven't taken the GRE yet or looked at where I should go or where I could even imagine going. 

I should get to bed.  My head feels like the left side is dying.

Inspiration...

Whenever I watch The Dark Knight movies by Christopher Nolan, I get inspired in different ways.  I'm not sure exactly what about them that does this to me.  Maybe it's just super hero movies.  I don't know.

Maybe the inspiration to be more? I really can't pin it down.

Everyone is terrible and so am I.

Click...

I actually really love this picture of me.

Why...

I won't have a therapist anymore after April 2014.

It will have almost been five years.

What am I suppose to do.

She goes...and I'm still messed up in the head.

I don't get it.

Three lines...

I miss so many things. 

In an instant.

Everything hurts so much.

Cries...

Wehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Please care...
And if you don't...fight or leave.

Schoolbutts...

So this week.  Two tests. A paper. A Media Presentation. An Article Presentation.

I have 3 of those left to do.

I'm going to fail my test tomorrow because I was so worried about everything else that I didn't study for it.  I will have to say though that I was the most intimidated by it.  It looks impossible.  There is way too much to study for.  I was invited to study with this group after class but I have other obligations to do.  It was too scary to think about anyway.  Being around other people that is.  It could have really helped though.

So now I have to figure out how to study for this weird philosophical jumble of information and make sense of it.

Then after that test first thing in the morning, I have to finish my paper before 2 which should be pretty easy.  I'm almost done.  I might just finish that tonight.  I'm not sure.

Then my article presentation is Thursday so I have to prepare for that.

I just realized I have another test next week.

Soooooooooo muchhhhhhhh.

I really don't want to fail and I don't know why I care.

I want to run.

So sick of being me.

Grow...

So this weekend I have to get lots done.  I have work for longer than they usually schedule me which is nice because more money but not nice because I have more than the usual amount of work.  I have a 3 to 5 page paper due and two tests next week.  I'm worried I'm going to fail them.  I think I will feel better about everything after I finish my paper. 

I started a tiny garden a little over a week ago and it is amazing looking.
Here are some pics.  There are beans, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, and I think a Gladiola.

I'm pretty proud of how quickly everything grew.  Hopefully I can keep it up.  Just a bit of watering and sun seems to do the trick though.  I also put some natural fertilizer with the tomato plants that is just coffee grounds.


I have plans with my best friend for next weekend which should be fun.

I should sleep now.

Nothing...all over again.

I was going to go to bed early, but then I didn't.

Every time I watch Meet the Robinsons, I cry.

I feel like killing myself sometimes.

Happy Birthday Manfriend!!!!!

This is the cake my best friend and I baked for Manfriend : D

It was so much fun.

Manfriend said it was yummy!

I'm not sure...

My dreams are really pushing it.  Sleeping during odd hours can sometimes really trigger strange dreams but this last one really messed with my head.

Most people that I know kind of just push their dreams to the side, which really is probably healthier for them.  I don't tend to be in the business of what's healthy for me anyway so I decide to think more about them.  This last one clearly had to do with past trauma that has occurred but went back into my home roots of where I was born and the feeling behind the old houses I've lived in and overall old sensations of color and touch.  Marble pinks and cold surfaces with old stone floors and spanish styled tiled roofs.  Glowing walls with comfy big beds and a certain emptiness that is scary and reassuring at the same time.  

And so the dream took place mostly in an area like this and then things unfolded that I am now pondering on.

Am I my dreams? or are they arbitrary within my brain?

 

GAH...

I'm feeling sad about things I can't translate into words.

I suppose they will just have to sit in my brain.  Hopefully die out.

Escuela...

I'm pretty scared about my first day.

Here we go senior year.

HOPEFULLY THIS IS MY SENIOR YEAR.

I have a lot of scars...

Everywhere.

A dream within a dream...

I've been having crazy realistic dreams.  I do dream every single day but not necessarily to the extent of these.  I wake up thinking they are real and dwell on them for a bit about what I've done or haven't done in them and then realize they were just dreams.

My mind won't sleep.  But I do really enjoy my dreams most of the time.  I can't imagine what it would be like not dream.  I don't think I would like it very much.

Three Years...

I went over to Manfriend's house today.  We had an amazing breakfast and dinner together and talked a lot to each other.  I had missed him quite a bit.   We also built a sheet fort!  It was amazing.  I felt like a gypsy.  When we finished his room, we went into the hallway and after the first two sheets were up, most of Manfriend's dogs came into the hallway and just laid around.   Canine Alley! It was so silly though.  They loved the blankets on the floor. 

 I wanted to sleep over so much.  It would have been fun to sleep in the giant fort.

 

No bad words...

I'm trying to decide if the honors degree is worth it.  I want to have it so it will be easier to get into the Accelerated Masters program BUT I don't even know if I should do that even though I kinda want to.  I really like the minor film program they offer at the main campus but if I go for that I would be adding some time onto my graduation AND I wouldn't be able to get the honors degree.  They only let around 15 percent non honors classes at the junior and senior level of your degree and if I did that it would be a lot more. Le sigh.  Best case scenario would be if I could do both.  It's only 5 classes for the minor too. That would be so awesome.  I would graduate with a bachelors of psych and a minor in film but no honors which could mean no masters program.  I wish I could see into the future and see if the honors degree is worth anything.

  Fuuuuuuuuuuuudge.

Just keep watching...

You'll be a professional.

I'm sorry for this in advance...

I love feeling so young at the age I am.
I like my freedom to go out late at night and everything and do what I'd like, but I love feeling like a kid more.  I watch Disney movies on a daily basis and quite well versed. I wish more people that were older would keep watching them.  I think they would treat people better and know more about life if they would really just listen to what those movie say.  I sleep in a bunk bed.  I talk to kids half my age everyday. And even though I go to work, it reminds me of school, gossip and all.  I know I'm never quite happy and I cry often and have panic attacks....but I really love living at home.  I love being with my family.  They are the best people I have ever met.  I love that I see my Mom everyday.  I'm so happy I came home for college.  I really wish I could finish my Masters degree here because I don't want to move down south for college.  Tonight is the first night though that I realized I don't think I'd mind living at home for long after graduating.  It's not common in the states but in other countries and partly where my family is from, it's quite common.  I like my freedom which I don't have so much here, but I love being part of my family.  I wish we would never grow up.  I hate thinking about the fact that in a few years my brother will have moved out and I will have to if I want to start and finish up with graduate school.  It won't feel the same if he moves out.  I love the dynamic that it is now.  My older brother I don't really much get along with so I'm fine that he moved out but the siblings that are home now I really love to be around and I want them to stay around.  I have such a huge problem with change.  I'm crying now writing about this because I know it is inevitable.  I'm worried I'm going to get worse and worse as time goes by.  I don't want to just get use to it changing.  I worry sometimes that there will be a point that I decide to kill myself.  I've been so close to going over the edge....I don't want to now but I can't say I won't in the future.  It would make so much sense for my story.  I've been depressed since maybe 11 or 12.  I'm not sure when the transition period started but it has always just gotten worse and worse.  I can't stop crying. Ugh.  I wish I would stop freaking out and be normal so people wouldn't leave and be able to handle me.  I have a feeling the relationships/or whatever they were  have ended because of my insecurities, anxieties and depression.  I feel crazy and I think they have trouble understanding what to do with it.  I'm sorry.  I just needed to ramble and cry.  My head hurts a lot.  I need sleep.

Please...

I'm trying to stay balanced.  

It's so hard to not fall off this cliff.

Pointless...

I have many doc appointments to set up before school especially one with my dentist.  I don't know what is going on with my lower and upper molar but they are kinda uncomfortable.

I am worried.

Stupid teeth.

I don't want to start school again. 

And thinkin' got me drinkin'...

Pretty much my most favorite compliment I have ever received and never forgotten was someone told me they imagined me to the likeness of Marion Ravenwood from the Indiana Jones series.

Which means: A beautiful badass, witty, adventurer who is hardy and independent.

I wanted to cry.

Also she gets Indiana Jones....

Which is always a plus.

 When I remember, I think about this compliment and it makes me feel a bit better about myself which is a rarity.

Thank you person who said this to me.

You can't imagine what it has done for me.

 

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Hold my hand...

I've been playing lots of video games lately.  They make me ever so happy.
Bioshock Infinite being one them.  I found a really neat video compilation that I will post here of the game.  DO NOT WATCH IF YOU PLAN TO PLAY THE GAME. It contains spoilers of all sorts.  
I couldn't watch this video more than once.  I get really emotional with pretty much everything and especially good movies and great video games.  Oh, Mr. Booker DeWitt....

I also recently went to one of my best friend's baby shower.  It was nice but really sad.  I just want us to hang out again without adult responsibilities in the way.  I still feel very much like a kid.  I don't know why everyone else is changing the way they are.  They act different.  You don't need to change for other people.  And saying.." Oh I'm just growing up"  is a bad excuse.  That is not what growing up is.  You can accept your responsibilities and live your life, but you don't have to change who you are or not enjoy things you did before.  Sorry for ranting.  I didn't exactly say what I'm trying to say but I don't know how to put it into words.

I finally today got my files to convert over so I can edit movies from my new camera my Mom bought me :)
I am so excited.  I already edited together a silly video of my brother wearing his Batman Mask.  I wish I could post it.

I missed spinning this week because I overslept....le cry.

I kinda want to drop out of the honors college and get my minors in film with my psych degree.
Too bad I'm broke.

Schedulin'...

Yesterday's spin class was amazing but HARD.  I need to start running again during the week and to start lifting.  My arms feel weak when I'm on the bike.  I don't like ittttttt.

I need to set a schedule again now that I'm out of school.  I have a baby shower to attend a week from yesterday and a wedding in October.  Gotta prepare.

Spincinatti...

Yay! Two A's!!!! 

I have spinning class with a guy I met in biology tomorrow...er today. It's late.  I am always really nervous before I go but then I feel amazing afterwards.  After that I might have to transport Mom somewhere then head back home for a shower and more Bioshock Infinite.  Manfriend might come over depending on when I get home too.  I have some movies and shows to watch and a new camera to figure out! Two at that.  

Oh buttz. I just remembered I have work too.  Hopefully today turns out well.  I've been really focusing to keep me from falling off the edge.  It's literally an every day battle to stay okay.  No wonder I'm always so tired.

Esquela...

I am finally done with the Summer semester in Biology and will receive the official grades Friday morning.  I'm almost 100% sure I have an A in the lab and the class.  I just have to see it before I believe it.

I can't thank my grandpa enough for how much he helped me this semester.  Long hours of studying that really paid off.  I really know my biological stuff now :)

I actually talked to people this semester too.  I like this school so much better than the honors college.  I wish I could finish my degree here.


 

I won't forget you...and I hope you feel the same.

My Supernova Girl

ISLAND

Almost There...

I am only half way done with a paper I should have finished yesterday.
It's really late.  I am sleepy.  I am going to pass out at school tomorrow.  I need to remember to buy coffee.  Oh and I have a Lab test.  Argh.  At least there is less than two weeks left of school.  I can't wait to be finished.  Sleep. Video Games(Bioshock Infinite!!!).  Gym Time.  Beach.  Manfriend.  And less to worry about.  I should probably apply for another job though.  Something nearby.  OHHHH and I am going to start learning French too with these lessons online.  I have been listening to this amazing French song I heard in Orphan Black which reminds me.....THAT SHOW IS AMAZING. I LOVE IT. TATIANA MASLANY IS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND I WANT TO MEET HER IN REAL LIFE.

Here is the song.  I sing it and practice my pronounciation.

SPIN

I tried out a spin class today.
Good oldies music made it feel like I was in some racing freedom early 80s movie.
I kept giggling inside because of it.
It was mostly rough on my arms and my legs would want to give out every so often. 
I was surprised though that I finished and that my arms felt the wiggliest at the end.
I still am not sore though. Maybe I will be tomorrow.

It is my brother's birthday today.
He has grown up so much :)
I bought him a Minecraft poster and a  boogie board.
He liked them a lot :)

Happy Birthday, brother of mine <3 span="">

I love you so much.

I think my social phobia is going to ruin my dreams.

Tried something new out in life the other day.
It's always neat when you actually do something completely different and have never ever done it before.  
It's like YES, I'M DOING LIFE RIGHT!
hehe.

I'm trying really hard tonight to keep me safe.

:(

I am tired.  Why am I awake...

I think I might wait every night to see if something wonderful will happen.

My stomach hurts.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

This movie.

Is wonderful.

Also....WRITE WRITE WRITE

I have focus issues.

Sometimes I doubt my memories....if any of the things that happened really happened.

All I have are pictures and scars.  Can hey be replicated? Is anything really happening?

I don't know if I made it up or not.  I've been known to drift off and not come back for awhile....

I don't know...I really can't put my finger on what is happening.

I  just needed to write somewhere where someone would be there.  I feel not so great today.  Really really down.  I'm holding on by a bit.  I literally feel like I'm holding strings together.  I don't want to cry and I want to stop feeling so bad....but Idk how.

I think I feel more trapped than anything.  Very stuck.

Tonight went a lot better than expected.

I was waiting for  heavy fights the whole day.

Nothing happened.

Thank you for letting everything play out smoothly.

Upstream Color

My ex boyfriend just asked his girlfriend to marry him….
This is weird and idk why.
I feel like we are still children….
I can’t understand it.
Are grown ups fake kids?

Are adults just kids pretending to be adults?
I was his first kiss…..this is so weird. 
Why is this so WEIRD?!

Felt a bit better today. Still very on edge. I walk on egg shells when I start thinking about things.  I literally have to avoid topics in my brain or I feel like I did last night.  I don't know how to keep it together.

How do people just.....live?

I can't take it....

I kinda want to disappear...not die but disappear... or maybe I do want to die. I don't know.

I feel sad and I see so many people sad and disappointed.

It hurts too much.  My chest and throat ache. Everyone is so sad.

Everything hurts so much.

YES

I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER.

LESS THAN A WEEK TO GO.

I.CAN'T.WAIT.

Gotta start writing.  I'd like to learn how to act too.

Happy Birthday my old friend<3 span="">

People are so  fdsjafhelksajfdlksj….

I'm really sick of them.  Sometimes I wonder why I like psychology so much.

I wish I could just live on my island already.

All Gendahs

I have not slept....I have to be up in 30 minutes.  I watched a movie though and about finished my painting.  So that feels good.  I also just threw up....which was not fun but my tummy feels better and I'm not nauseous.  Staying up late always makes me feel that way.

I like this song.


Someone on one of my blogs messaged me that they couldn't tell what gender I was by what I wrote and my sarcasm.  It made me really really happy.  I don't like being defined as a GIRL for the what I like and how I write or sound.  I have always thought of myself as very in between.  I was a tom boy growing up but I never thought of it that way until someone pointed it out. I was just me being me.  Interesting though.  I like it.

Intershipssssss

I've been throwing around ideas lately about where to do my internship.  It ranges from working  in Costa Rica to working at Tykes and Teens here.

I really just need the 12 credits that the internship will hopefully get me.

Realistically speaking, I will probably end up getting something here that isn't paid....

What I'd like is to work with a movie studio but I don't see that happening.

B

I've been watching a lot of horror movies lately.

I went through the whole trilogy of  Gingersnaps which was AMAZING and cheesy and beautiful.

I'm considering being one of the characters for Halloween.

I watched a few others before those that were pretty disturbing and I just finished May(2002).

I'm not sure why I'm doing this.  They make me feel weird deep down but I like watching them.

I have a huge list going on of movies I need to watch though which is nice.

I like being able to just stare at the list and get the  movie and get to watching instead of wondering what to watch.  I'm actually getting through a lot of it but then I find more.

Oh movieeeeesssssssssssss

I've been having really awful dreams lately.
Really sick reminders of the past.
I also had this strange feeling overcome me that turned into disgust and I started crying.
It felt really weird.  

I see faces in my head and hands and have weird memories of things I can't exactly remember.

Then I feel disgusting.  A disgust that is hard to explain but within.  Really stained within me.  I can't scrub it out.  It just sits there. 

I don't like that they've been haunting me so frequently.  I don't like remembering what happened.  

It can stay in the past.

Being tired is from now on more than just a state of being.  I think it fits better as a personality trait for me.

Manfriend shaved the sides of my head again.

I like it a lot.  It's very post apocalyptic dystopianish.

 I just finished my spring break.  It wasn't very eventful except for the fact that I now sleep in a bunk bed and my room is really clean.  OH! Also I started doing this 30 day exercise regiment.  It seems pretty good.  I was sore the first few days.  My muscles are already getting use to it or I'm not doing the video right anymore.  I feel kinda silly for following a video but it's only 27 min. and I'm sweating and breathing hard afterward. 

I really want to talk to my therapist about getting on meds again. 
  I've started feeling not so great, more so than often that is, and I just want those feelings to stay away,  especially at night like I have stated before.  It started tonight pretty badly.  I start feeling like everyone is going to be terribly sad then die tomorrow and I start feeling sick and suicidal.  It's really scary and weird.

I need to find another job closer to my house.  Need to make more moneys.

I also need to find an internship.  I want a paid one but that will be pretty impossible to find.  I really am trying to figure out if I can intern at a movie studio for a few months to get the full amount of credit so I can graduate in a year.  I hate that I'm behind.

I should get to bed.

Night night :)

Stop eeet

Today was pretty solid. Just cleaned, made eggs, watched a movie, watched some Sailor Moon with the kiddies and then played Dead Space.

I feel really depressed though.  The night always takes me away from anything good and then I feel sick and negative and sad. 

Stop that demons of the night.

I was so angry today. And I'm super upset and overwhelmed right now.

Watching Elephant really threw me over.

Now I'm anxious about the unpredictability of people and how stress and sadness kills us.

And how much I love my younger siblings and how I never ever want them to be hurt or sad.

And how much I regret being this yelling angry person when I really am just trying to win back my self confidence but I come off as spiteful and mad.

I need to be patient and understanding.  I have to stop being so damn angry.

Sandy said when the cortisol activates in me the way it does because of my anxious behavior, it can cause harm to my heart....

I have to stop.


fdklsjafkldjsalkfjdsalkfjdsklajfoogiooijeae

I'm crying....

Write

I made a bit of progress on a script story I've been in talks about for awhile.

Figured out some potential dialogue for the end and some scenes.  I also figured out a time period and some logistics but def. still trying to work them out.

I wrote a list of movie ideas that I've been wanting to do.  Just writing them down and being able to see them on paper helped tremendously. 

Really hoping I can pull something solid together.  Even just the outline would be amazing.  Then I can finally start writing more than intros.

Stress leads to teeth clenching

I watched the Oscars instead of studying for my Psych test....

I'm so stressed out right now and I do it to  myself.

I want to make movies so badly and I have a camera now and I still can't do it.

There must be something in me that is holding me back.  I know I am terrified of not being able to really do it....because that would mean I don't want to do anything else.  I literally don't want to do any other job except be in the film industry and make movies and present them and make people all emotional and feel what I feel through this media.

What if I can't do it?  Like I literally go make a movie and it sucks?  

I think.... I would die.  Like really die.  Or kill myself.

I have to start doing this though.  I'm 22. I have to do this. I have to be in movie theaters every where soon and be doing this.  I have to.

I am balling because of a movie... It clicks so perfectly with my life it is scary. My chest burns my eyes are red. I don't know what is happening. 

David Bowie is also stuck in my head....so here you go.

Lotsa Jotsa

I'm going fishing tomorrowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
YAY!

Valentine's Day is coming up! 

I've been really into a minimalistic look lately.
White and black and transparency.
I need to take a picture of my paint brushes I bought today.  They are clear and oh so pretty.

I also am deciding whether to stretch my ears to a 12g.  I want to mainly for these awesome earrings.

OHHH tax return comes in soon and I kinda want to use it toward Roller Derby.  I want to be on a team and skate and compete and get fit while doing so.  They are just so awesome.

I also started running again! I pretty much go every other day or when I can.

An old friend's Mom came into work today.  It made me remember when I had friends and I got really emotional and had to go tear up in the bathroom.  I don't know what made me leave everyone.  Was it purely me and my crazyness? I remember being upset with everyone changing but I can't recall what completely pulled me apart.  I remember also thinking people started to feel so fake.  They would just do or say things to please others and I hated it.  They couldn't be honest with themselves and stand up or say what they really wanted to and I think I thought that showed a sign of weakness or something.  They probably were just not comfortable with themselves yet.  I feel like most people are very fake but maybe it is a way to protect themselves...I'm not sure.  

I just know I feel so very lonely about all this.

I am a living breathing cliche right now...

Let me explain why.
I just finished watching the new Spider-Man whilst wearing Star Wars pajamas and then walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put on my retainer and then continued to talk to my brother about super heroes which included references to Civil War, Secret Wars, the New Avengers and some DC stuff but not limited to, and what reading material I needed to catch up on which included the stack of Iron Man comics in his room.
AND I HAVE THE RETAINER LISP.

I need to learn how to study again. I was so wonderful in my first years of college at it, and now I am a mess like I was in high school. I'm super antsy and I just plain don't want to do it even though it's not that bad. I have a test in the morning... and it's my Papi's birthday :)

Today is my 22nd Birthday.

*makes a wish and blows candles out*

Today is my last day of being 21. 

21.

I remember thinking about it when I was younger.

So crazy.  

I've been able to drink at a bar for a  almost a year...but I will forever be carded. 

hehe.

THIS WEEK IS CRAZY

I saw The Hobbit yesterday.  Amazing.
Today I am getting off my braces after 2 years and 8 months of them.  I think I will actually miss them.
Thursday is my 22nd birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

It's super late and I'm up again.

I have to stop doing this.

My mind is racing and I feel angry and sad.  

I need sleep and to be at peace.

I'm really tired and it's super late....

I beat Deus Ex: Human Revolution and it was beautiful and futuristic and Adam Jensen is wonderful.

 
There is a fan made movie being made.

Here is the teaser.



And this is the Sarif Industries commercials that played when the game was releasing



I get so emotional with video game and book characters.

I seriously feel like I feel more for them then real people.

It's weird...and sad...and idk.

Someone did a recreation of Toy Story LIVE ACTION.....

I can't believe I didn't drop a class before the drop/add date. I feel so stupid.  There is going to be a fucking W in the grade book because I dropped two days after the date. 

oh my god...I am so fucking unorganized and dumb and a million things that are bad more.

What

I think I finally fixed my schedule.

One class I'm still deciding on but besides that it looks okay.  I go to school far too many times though which is incredibly unfortunate.  So I'm taking several Psychology courses and watercolor.

I'm listening to amazing music from Deus Ex and it's becoming more and more difficult to write this post.

Okay. It's over now.

I kinda want to film some commercials to get a feel for the camera with that PSA.  Just feeling out the cam.  I really want to shoot a slow motion scene but I have to get a hold of Sony Vegas to do some editing and it probably won't run on my laptop anymore because of the amount of stuff I have on here.

I need to sleep.  I had a weird sub sleep session when I got back from school today.  I think it was because I didn't eat anything.  I was dizzy but not really and couldn't feel very well. So I laid completely under my blanket for a long while and finally fell asleep. I had weird dreams about ghost dogs and owls.

When I woke up, I felt like I almost died for some reason and it made me worry that I hadn't said everything I wanted to say to people.  But I still feel that sad pathetic ache not to say anything. 

What.

First day of Spring Semester tomorrow.

Not excited. EXCEPT. I will probably be seeing Manfriend between classes to go see a movie.

YES.

PSA

I finally figured out what my first film project with my new camera will be.

I had been thinking about making a PSA for suicide in teens and I totalllllly can do it now.

It won't be expensive and it's short so I don't have to stress about too many lines or scenes and such.

YESSS. 

Just have to plan on where it will be shot, how many people would be willing to do it and I'm able to get and then pick the music.

I still need to buy the lcd screen and figure out what editing program to use...ugh and buy the connecting wire thing...

I forgot about all that.